Several years ago, I was asked during a class, “How do you know that you have a great relationship?” I found myself mentioning four attributes – one was “excellent boundaries.” Someone then asked, “How would you recognize excellent boundaries? What are their indicators?” I thought about that for several weeks. I came up with a list. I have found this list quite provocative.
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Summary: This paper covers the two ways that people can come together and share (or not) their different views of reality. Relating via Master/Slave is only functional in certain situations: where efficiency is needed as in business, where property ownership is involved, in emergencies. Relating via Friend/Friend is normal during courtship. Master/Slave, commonly used in intimate relationships or families, is dysfunctional. Learn the critical skills of Friend/Friend to end argument and prevent fighting. This is the first of three parts on Autonomy.
A listing of possible relationship problems – linked to solutions.
Continue reading →This paper discusses the issue of Resentment that from time to time becomes an important issue in couples or between groups of people. It includes suggestions on how to remove the resentment. I believe this cannot be done, passively, by waiting. Resentment does not seem to go away by letting time pass. I believe resentment only goes away via the use of validation, and dialogue.
Handling the language of Master/Slave Relationships
Continue reading →This is the whole story of intimate relationships. I wrote this early version in the September of 2003, after all the pieces had fallen into place in my head.
Continue reading →This is the chart I share with couples who are experiencing this trouble.
Continue reading →I believe all humans require reliable connection with other humans. I see this as the principle drive that moves us, and holds us, together in partnership. At any given time one partner will probably need more and one will probably need less connection. Managing this becomes a challenge and sometimes an enormous stumbling block. Here are the principles and the solutions.
The Biological Dream is the core of my beliefs about the function of Romantic Relationships. This is an excerpt from my essay on the Map of Relationships.
Continue reading →An article from 1999, that shows the development of my thinking at that point about the role of a community in safety for the individual.
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