2nd: Argument

Almost all couples who enter my office have what I call a Type II Communication problem.  A Type I problem means they can’t hear each other.  But with a Type II, they listen to each other until a disagreement appears, and then they stop listening and start arguing.  Disagreement prevents communication. Since arguing and interrupting are so common, many people don’t consider this a kind of fighting.  But the effect on the relationship is enormously negative.

I believe firmly that, from the point of view of a relationship, arguing is the verbal form of physical violence.  Just as arguing leads to violence, and violence lead to more and more violence, so also some verbal habits lead to arguing.  Arguing can and must be replaced by different, quality communication.  

3rd: Control

A significant majority of couples present me with their control problems.   It seems that a large number of us are, shall I say, brainwashed in youth to believe that there are lots of rights and wrongs in life, and that we can relax if we are doing “right” and need to be tense it we are “wrong”.   I’ve found the issue is not what is right or wrong, but that the individual becomes anxious when in the face of “things out of place.”  Such a person tries to relax themselves by putting things into order, the order they have selected to believe in. 

 
Sandra and I call these rules.  She has a large set.  I have another set.  A rule is a way of doing things which relaxes an individual.  Sandra relaxes when cupboard doors are closed.  I relax when a computer is turned off methodically.   We both relax when a room is picked up and clean.  These are our rules.  A control problem occurs when I leave cupboard doors open or Sandra turns off a computer at the wall switch.  What we do causes our partner to tense and they try to relax by changing us.
 
One of the major sources of lowered tension or of safety is to have a sense of control.  In a couple, this is a special problem where one often tries to relax by taking control away from the other, who then tenses. It is a great learning how keep both partners relaxed with a sense of control for both….. at the same time.

4th: Hurt

An amazing number of people believe themselves responsible for other people’s pain.  In that story I told you of the couple that divorced after 23 years, the woman kept her unhappiness hidden from her husband for 22 years because she didn’t want to hurt him.  She lied to him so as to not hurt him.  Ask yourself, did it hurt him more for her to keep it a secret or to share it.   I’ve found this belief in protecting people from pain doesn’t work. 

 
One of the things I found out was that people learn when they are in pain.  When everything is going well, they tend to remain asleep to what they can learn in life.   If I look back, most of the great things I have learned have come from a time of pain.  Thus I’ve learned that protecting adults from pain, especially the pain they earn themselves, isn’t very useful.  It tends to keep them in a state of ignorance.
 
But it is quite a skill to be available to a partner when they are in pain, and let them feel it fully.

5th: Withholding the Truth 

Another major problem is the people do not tell each other the truth they see.  They lie.  They say “that which is not so.”  However, the most common form of lying is what I call the passive lie – not saying the truth, just being silent.   I had to develop a definition of lying that would cover both the active and passive.   Here it is.

“To knowingly leave someone in a state of misunderstanding about something that you believe is important to them.”
 
I’ve found that people lie, and that people are silent, for only one reason.  I’ve found that people lie because it is not safe to tell the truth, and people are quiet because they don’t think it safe to speak.  Learning how to make it safe for your partner to tell the truth or to feel safe to speak  leads both of you hearing the truth in a safe way.   This is one of the first courses in the University of Life.

Curriculum

I suggest you think of the University of Life as going to college.  And everyone is accepted who want to go. There will be Introductory courses and eventually advanced courses.  While there are no examinations, clearly you can’t move to a sophomore level until you have demonstrated competence at the freshman level. 
 
Here are some examples of Freshman Year courses.  I present these as they come to me.

Safety – Learn the fundamentals of becoming a Source of Safety to your partner.

Reliable Membership – Learn the fundamentals of establishing a reliable and durable connection.  Learn to take breaks in your relationship, while maintaining reliable attachment.

Diversity – Learn the fundamentals of dealing with multiple views of reality, and enjoying Differences.

Autonomy – Learn the fundamentals of encouraging partnership and eliminating argument.

Purpose – Learn the fundamentals of opening to each partner’s unique genius and purpose in life.

Communication – Learn fundamental skills of verbally connecting without interrupting, appreciative listening and durable curiosity.

Boundaries – Learn the fundamentals of Making and Maintaining the Lines between you and others, maintaining your self and staying relaxed. 

Feelings/Emotions – Learning the fundamentals of having, and expressing healthy emotions, and protecting passion.  

Healing – Learning the fundamentals of dealing with reactivity, taking advantage of frustrations, and healing the wounds they represent.

And last, but first as far as you are concerned, : Map of Relationships – an Overview and Introduction to the paths that lead to Relational Maturity.  This course you are taking now.  
 

The Most asked question

My most asked question is, “Can you get to Vintage Love without a dedicated partner?”  My answer is “no”.  Yes, you can learn lots of the theory and concepts without a partner.  You can practice the skills a bit, too.  You can audit a course in piano playing and learn a lot.  But you have to put your hands on the keyboard. Relational Maturity can only be learned in a relationship. 

You need a selected and dedicated partner to both give you practice and give you a reason to practice.  

You need a dedicated partner to give you the continuity of a good audience to help you develop yourself and your self-esteem fully.

You need a dedicated partner to create a world separate and distinct from that of “normal” society.

You need a selected partner to heal the deep wounds you received in Childhood.  Wounds are peculiar.  I believe all wounds are wounds of relationship, which occurred in a relationship, and can only be healed in a relationship.  The ideal person to help you heal is the one who created the wound.  However, I believe the mind is able to accept a reasonable facsimile of the original wounding person.  Fortunately, you will always fall in love with a reasonable facsimile.

You need to work as lab partners: sometimes leading and sometimes supporting, taking turns.
I think this is all necessary, if you don’t want to live alone on a desert island.  
 
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