Reliable Membership: The Essay
© 2001 Al Turtle
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This material I developed over several years as I pondered, examined, experienced, and resolved the issue of reliable connection. It came together in its present form in 2001.
Principle:
All humans require reliable, sufficient and not excessive, contact with other humans.
This is an absolute biological, genetic requirement for children under 8 years of age and it is also serious requirement after that age. Older humans can live alone, but in what I call a “degraded condition.” This seems to be an idea that you can “take to the bank.” It seems that reliable. I believe this is a function of our middle brains, the limbic system, as it appears in mammals as the desire to not be left alone, the desire to be included, the herd instinct. I recall in the book, the Horse Whisperer, how young wild horses on the prairie would be given the choice of submission to the lead mare’s wishes or being driven away from the herd. They would always choose submission or “joining up.”
Sometimes the need to be together can be overridden by the experience of unpleasant connections. Hermits are built by repeated history unpleasantness when they tried to connect. They need connection – but not that kind.
The Connection Continuum
Childhood is not all one way or the other. I find the best way to express my experience of this basic rule is to speak of a continuum. At one end is absolute unreliability or insufficiency of connection. At the other is absolute excessive connection. People can find their place along this line – some higher, some lower. As we grow, we sometimes move up and down the continuum.
A: Clingers: Some people receive Unreliable or Insufficient Contact in childhood.
This causes PANIC!!
When an organism experiences too little or intermittent connection, its old reactive, reptilian brain activates. I call this Panic. As children, these people survive by developing CLINGING skills. These are behaviors of hanging on, standing close, resisting being distanced. And as these children grow, when they can walk, they develop PURSUING skills. These are just ambulatory, walking clinging skills. These behaviors involve following, moving toward, and chasing. A Clinging/Pursuing child doesn’t want to be put down, and runs out of the house and after their parents when left with a baby sitter.
These same skills of clinging and pursuing, driven by PANIC, become habits and follow the child into adulthood. Attention getting may become a life-style.
Reactive Behavior
When these adults panic, they move toward others, especially their partner. They ask questions, follow, push toward, talk at, and in general become invasive of their partner’s space. As an adult, clinging may become very controlling, possessing, captivating, cornering and interrogating acts. This is the source of stalking behavior.
Symptom
This is your pattern if you often frequently think of, or fear, your partner leaving you behind.
Focus
When nervous, you will focus on your partner’s evasiveness, withdrawal, silence. You may also have day or night dreams of safe togetherness – of finally living happily forever.
B: Avoiders: Others people received Excessive or Unpleasant Contact in childhood.
This causes PANIC!!
When an organism experiences too much or painful contact, the old reactive, reptilian brain activates. Again this is Panic. Children who experience this develop AVOIDING skills. These are behaviors that do not invite contact. Even when hungry these children don’t cry. We often call the “good babies,” but really they are happier when left alone. As these children grow, when they can walk, they develop ISOLATING skills. These are just ambulatory or walking skills of avoiding. Isolating involves having hiding places, wandering off, climbing trees and not coming down, running away, sitting at the far end of the room, being very aware of exits, etc.
These same skills of avoiding and isolating, driven by PANIC, become habits and follow the child into adulthood. Withdrawing may become a life-style.
Reactive Behavior
When these adults panic, they move away from others, especially their partner. They are quiet, self-contained, elusive, non-talkative, and in general, often emotionally cold.
Symptom
This is your pattern if your mind often goes blank when your partner talks, asks, or moves toward you.
Focus
When nervous, you will focus on your partner’s invasiveness, attacking, pushing, and you may dream of peace, quiet and space.
Where are you?
Take a moment to find the place on this continuum that fits you. We are all somewhere along this line at any moment. Over a lifetime you may change position. Usually in partnership one will be higher on the line and one lower. This seems critically and often disastrously true for perhaps 80% of the couples I have seen. Are you the higher one or the lower one? How about your parents? Where did you see them to be?
I make the high Clingers to be 90 or 95 and the low Avoiders 5 or 10 When I started to look at this problem, I saw myself as 80 and my partner as 35. I was comfortable with what I call about 80 units-of-contact. If my partner gave me more than 80, I would panic and start to pull away – avoiding. If my partner gave me much less than 80, I would panic and start to chase her. Now my partner was content with about 35 units-of-contact. If I gave her 35, she would be happy. If I gave her more, she would panic and start to withdraw. On the odd occasion that I gave her less than 35 units-of-contact, she would start to move toward me.
I also find that over a period of time people may change their position and even reverse sides. Thus I prefer to speak of Clinging rather than of Clingers, of Avoiding rather than Avoiders.
Note: One fun image is that when people go out in public to find a partner, dating, at that moment they are all clinging – wanting more reliable connection. After you meet a person and become close, after a while, one will switch to avoiding.
Clingers Fall in Love with Avoiders; Avoiders marry Clingers
The primary reason we select our partner has to do with familiarity. Our partner “feels” familiar to us.
I, a clinging kind of guy, am attracted to a partner who tends to avoid – of course. The simple reason is because she is familiar. She is like the caretakers I had as a kid who were often unreliable and not available enough. I recognize that behavior.
My partner, an avoiding kind of gal, is attracted to me, of course. The simple reason is because she has been familiar with my type of excessive person since early in life. I have many of the traits similar to her overwhelming and intrusive caretakers. She “recognized” me on the first date.
Falling in love tends to set this situation up. (Again and again and again.)
The problem
When a Clinging person gets nervous, they tend to move toward their partner in order to reduce their growing panic. The Avoiding partner sees someone coming and, starting to panic, they move away. The Clinger sees their partner moving away, and moves faster. The Avoider now runs faster from the clinging person, who is now “chasing” them. The two run toward what I call the Leaving Wall, the wall at the edge of the relationship – the Divorce Wall.
Now this could start the other way. When an Avoider gets nervous, they tend to pull back and head for some quiet space. The Clinging partner sees their partner move away and, starting to panic, they start to hold on or follow. The Avoiding partner feels the holding on and, further panicking, withdraws more frantically, firmly.
The two run toward that Leaving Wall, the Divorce Wall.
These scenarios get played out over and over with no conscious effort, but usually a lot of panic. And they always move toward that Leaving Wall. In my experience, this situation is a crisis problem in probably 85% of the couples I have seen. It is almost always one of the two main crises for people who come to my website via the article “What to do when he/she leaves you.”
A Clinger/Pursuer’s View (the clinging partner)
From my point of view, as a Clinger, the Leaving Wall scares me. It is a place of fear. Whenever my partner said, “I’m out of here; or “I can’t take this any longer;” or she was just gone a little longer than I expected, or she was quiet, I would start worrying. My worry always had more or less panic within it. I visualized her divorcing me, leaving me, having an affair, dying, etc. etc. The Leaving Wall scared me. I did all sorts of things to protect myself from “her going over that Leaving Wall.” All of my efforts were temporary fixes. But sadly, all my efforts seemed to push her away.
An Avoider/Isolator’s View (the withdrawing partner)
From my partner’s point of view, as an avoider, the Leaving Wall was a safe haven. Sure she would act with panic, but she did not fear the Leaving Wall. What scared her was the lack of what I call the Space Wall. Space Wall was that place she could get behind to take a break from me. Kahil Gibran said, “Let there be spaces in your togetherness.” It was the lack of Space Wallthat frightened my partner. Without that Space Wall, the only safety for her was the Leaving Wall, (which, of course, scared me).
Oh, by the way, Avoiders/Isolators often seen contact as a conflict!
Solution:The Wall Within
The Space Wall protects my partner (the avoiding partner), not so much from me, but from her historically valid experiences of too much contact. It also does protect her from me. Simultaneously it protects me (the clinging partner) from that dreaded Leaving Wall. It she has plenty of Space Wall, she does not need to go toward the Leaving Wall. Hooray!!! And so The Space Wall is the “Wall that Al built.” It worked.
The simple solution is that I, the clinging partner, build and maintain a Space Wall that is reliable to me and to my partner.
Advice for the Clinging Partner
Learn to enthusiastically create, and support your partner’s need for the Space Wall. This will reduce their need to move toward the Leaving Wall – Divorce Wall. Give them the “benefits of leaving while they are with you.”
Learn to be happy when on your own and learn to switch to the on-your-own mode quickly.
Good News
You can live with the Space Wall. You can live alone! Not well, but you are designed for it.
Bad News
Your partner cannot live without the Space Wall! Without a strong, readily available Space Wall, they have to use the Leaving Wall. You have to take primary care of your own neediness. You might as well consider yourself “insatiable”. But you can live with it.
Also, I want you to be clear that this topic is the only one in relationship skills were the solution seems one-sided. It seems unfair. And I think it is unfair (check out my paper on this). But I’d rather have a solution that is somewhat unfair than have no solution at all.
Whoever is the Clinger at any time, that is the one who has to do the primary work. This is because the Isolator’s defensive posture usually contains paralysis, often a drop in blood pressure in their cortex, that makes them unable to act at all. They just Freeze.
Sorry about this.
LEARN TO USE THE SWITCH
Giving your partner the Space Wall, and you really have to get good at this, (see my paper on The Testicle Principle) does not take care of your need for connection. You have to take care of that, yourself. This is what I learned, and what follows is how I solved my need for connection when my partner was not available.
Here’s the Situation
Boy, am I needy. I came to realize that I am very needy. I came out of my childhood needing lots and lots of attention. I can look back and hear voices of people complaining about how needy I was. When I finally began to understand this, I decided that I needed about 1500 love units per day. This was not my fault. This excess neediness was my parent’s business, but that’s all past now. Now it is my problem. So here I am needing lots and lots of love units each day.
My partner, not so much. My wife came out of her childhood with a very limited ability to produce love units. Her maximum on a good day is 50 love units. Oh, she can work lots and accomplish many many things, but when it comes to love units – not much. This isn’t her fault. This limited capacity was her parent’s business. But now it is her problem — and my problem, too, because I have been trying to get my needed 1500 love units out of a 50 love unit source for years.
Now What!
So I looked at this situation and looked for my options.
- My wife had the best love units available. She just didn’t have many of them. I wanted every one of her capacity.
- I can live alone. True, I am kind of degraded when alone, but I can do it. In fact when I travel for business I take care of myself pretty well.
- There are lots of love units in the world. I get love from cats, dogs, horses, friends, TV, music, radio talkshows, clients, audiences – wow, there are many sources! Still, among all these sources, my wife has by far the best quality love units – just not many.
My Fix: The Solutions in three Steps.
And thus here is what I did, and I did it right in front of my partner.
- I improved my ability to live alone. I looked at my time alone and started to do a better job. I noticed that when I had lived alone, between my marriages, that I often did pretty well. I noticed that when I traveled for business I often did pretty well. I just was not in the habit of doing well when I was near my partner. So I practiced doing better. E.g. When I traveled, I always had a good book available. So, I learned to have a good book available at home also.
- I improved my ability to get love units from other sources in the world. But, and this is a big but, never did I draw on a source that would threaten my partner. Remember, she had the best LU’s in town. I didn’t want to ruin my chances of getting them. So, for me, this meant that I could get love units from any person or any group as long as they weren’t single females. I built up a network of friends. I joined volunteer organizations. I gave presentations. I kept up with my pets.
- I developed a super-fast switch. This was a skill to be able to shift from my partner as a source, to my living-along-skills, to my friends, and back quickly. If I was with my friends and my partner had some to share, I would drop my friends and head home. If I was with my partner and she suddenly seemed to want quiet time, I would grab a book and start reading.
The Benefits of the Fix
I was stunned by the benefits of doing this. I mentioned that I did it in front of my partner. My partner seemed relieved that I was doing it. She actively supported me. She told me about having so often felt a “failure” that she could not meet my needs. She began to relax around me and……..her output of love units began to increase. At this point, quite a few years since I started this plan, she can produce probably 500 love units without difficulty. Wow! And they are those highest quality love units!
Now, they are still not as many as I want, but I found out something else. It was the reliability that made all the difference, not the number of love units. My panic was much more driven by the fear that my sources would be cut off. And now I, with my Superfast Switch, was taking care of the reliability. My supply became just fine. My strategy met my need for reliable and sufficient contact and met my partner’s need for not-excessive contact. Cool!
Advice to the Avoiding Partner
Learn to firmly and gently make the Space Wall, yourself. Learn to anticipate your own needs for quiet, and signal your partner when those needs are coming up. Learn to take “time outs.” Tend to your partner’s need for reliability by showing that your Space Wall is not a Leaving Wall. Always refer to your returning when you start to move away.
Good News
You get the quiet space you need.
Bad News
You have to develop Relationship Responsibility. You can’t blame your partner for your need for space. You have to come back.
LEARN THE GENTLE ART OF “TIME OUTS”
Also Check out my articles on What to do when he/she won’t talk and the Testicle Principle.
Thanks for the sound advise Al. Yes you are right, she is a keeper (I hope she comes to realize I am too!)
Dear CH,
First I'll address the panic. Lizards are all about panic and your lizard should be panicked. Yup, and she probably is seeking some else, at least in her mind, tho avoiders are often remarkably slow at doing this. I recall a study that suggested the average clinger waited 8 to 9 months before finding someone else while the average avoider took 7 years. (My memory is it was something like that.) Good old lizard is waking you up. Hooray! A little reflection may suggest how long you have been asleep, unaware. Well, it is great that “awake people be awake.”
Now, what next. Well, people pull alway for two reasons: a) they feel overwhelmed and b) they feel hopeless. Address both concerns and you have a new situation – but still even that is only a beginning.
Giving her space will take care of the “overwhelm.” Learn to take care of her need for space quickly and 24/7, and she will have no problem being by your side. If you do, she will tend to feel “overwhelmed” when she is away from you.
Giving her hope is just a matter of leading in the direction of making “The Biological Dream into a reliable reality.” Even little steps in that direction generate hope. No steps in that direction or steps away from that direction will eventually (probably have, in your case) bring the level of hope in her to zero. That is probably what you have been doing – in the past. The power struggle is all about using the wrong tools to get the right result. So just turn around.
Work on becoming a source of safety to her and yourself. Start taking care of both lizards.
Work on taking care of both your needs for connection and space.
Work on ensuring a safe and pleasant space for both to enjoy each other's diversity.
Work on retaining your “sovereignty” and ensuring (yeah demanding) that she have hers.
Respect and encourage both of your purposes in life.
My website is all about this work. I've had to do it. You can. Sounds as if she's a “keeper.”
Best wishes,
Al
I love this article. The more I read it, the more I identify with it. I am the clinger in my relationship. I, like you Al, require a lot of love units per day. If I do not get them, I feel neglected, not loved, not validated, etc. Like yourself I know I can live alone, but I prefer not to. I like your idea of seeking “love units” elsewhere (as long as is not females) to complement the units my GF is capable at the moment. She is the avoider and has a habit of running away from problems (work, relationships, etc) when it gets too difficult. But she did decided to stick with me and work on our relationship. I failed to see that and recently, after struggling to keep our relationship afloat, she decided to abandon it. She told me she loved me very much (and I love her dearly) but she was tired and left with no hopes to ever fix our relationship. My pattern has been to seek her out and “convince” her that things will change only to get into another conflict (it is maybe the same? just thinking outloud… sorry). We separated very recently and we have kept the contact to a minimum. I saw her yesterday and we talk a bit and at the end we did kiss. She cried and told me she just doesn't want to get hurt again. I am actively and visibly working on myself and I mentioned that to her. I tend to talk too much too (to he annoyance) and I appearead to be trying to convince her again (she said that) when in fact that was not my intention at all. I learned that she has to decide to be with me and convincing somebody to stay in a relationship only work for a little while (or gives the appearence to work).
I love her and I do know the relationship is worth it. She is a fantastic woman. She mentioned she doesn't want to go back to the same (me neither!) patterns in a sometimes poisonous relationship. I mentioned your recomendation to “you get rid of the relationship you have, not necessarily the person you are having it with.” Yes, divorce the kind of relationship you have. But, to do that, do you have to divorce your partner? Nope. I really believe that! What do I do next? I have still lots of work to do, and certainly I would love to have her by my side working on the relationship together. I sent her a quick, very short text message. I did not get a response. My fear is that she is seeking somebodyelse already. My lizard is in a state of panic!
Dear Friend,
A great question. I recall my friend, Pat Love, another Imago Therapist and author, putting forth the same question in the form, “When to hold ‘em? When to fold ‘em.” And isn’t it nice when life’s questions are easy to answer!
I have some thoughts.
First let me speak of “stubbornness.” Often a couple comes in to my office and I can see how stubborn they are. I give them the good news and the bad news. I see stubbornness in couples as the power behind commitment and reliability. I see it kind of like the huge propeller on a ship. It sure can make things go and go for a long time. Survivors, those who have endured through many trials, make me think of stubbornness.
The downside of being stubborn is that there is no wisdom in being stubborn. A stubborn person will do things over and over that do not work just as easily as doing what works. They will bang their heads against a solid wall again and again. Or they will work their way out of the deep crevasse they find themselves in. Stubbornness is a great propeller with no rudder. The ship will go, but where?
The more I think about this, the more I imagine that an article will come out of it. This is the problem behind the phrase “doing the same thing over and over expecting a new result.”
You two, from what you have written, show all the wonderful signs of great stubbornness. I gather you have done lots of work with good people and it hasn’t helped much. At least, you both are working together in not changing in some ways. You still don’t seem to have benefited from all the help. I am not saying this to blame you or them. I am just looking at the situation. The relationship you have, the one in which you are feeling degraded, is the one you both are carefully building and maintaining.
I have said elsewhere that I recommend that “you get rid of the relationship you have, not necessarily the person you are having it with.” Yes, divorce the kind of relationship you have. But, to do that, do you have to divorce your partner? Nope, I don’t think so.
Of course, it is your choice what you do. I really support that idea. I also often say that no matter what you choose, “Either it will work out, or you will learn something” – either way you win. So go for it.
The last clue in your posting are the words “bicker, discord, arguments and fights.” This is all the material of Autonomy and Diversity. I have written two directories of articles on these topics. I am sorry to say that I have met Imago therapists and Imago Workshop presenters who do not know this material. I have met many people who “graduated” from an Imago Workshop who had no idea about what I call real validation or PreValidation. Argument is a clue that you have not learned this either. Get to work and learn it. Put your wonderful stubbornness to work in learning to be advanced “validators” and to getting rid of arguments from your life.
By the way, you can always contact me. I am not overloaded at this point, and I like working with people. I spend time with clients by phone by the hour. And I carry this entire website, its practical applications and theories, in my head.
Best wishes
Al
Hi Al,
Your article is very interesting, lots of food-for-thought.
You say that “All humans require reliable, sufficient and not excessive, contact with other humans… Older humans can live alone, but in what I call a “degraded condition.” ”
What I'm currently wondering, is how to compare the 'degradation' of my current relationship, which is not 'reliably' secure and loving – despite counselling, an Imago weekend workshop, workbooks, and 2 Imago therapists – with the 'degraded' condition that I would be in if I were to end the relationship and be single once again?
I understand your point about all human beings requiring contact with others; this is the yearning that most of us feel to find a partner when we don't have one. I have felt that too, when single.
But right now my partner's behaviour, and my behaviour, the bickering, dischord, arguments and fights is tangibly degrading me / the quality of my life. (And hers, no doubt.) I feel I've done everything I can.
Is it time to leave?