Reliable Membership: The Essay
© 2001 Al Turtle
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This material I developed over several years as I pondered, examined, experienced, and resolved the issue of reliable connection. It came together in its present form in 2001.
Principle:
All humans require reliable, sufficient and not excessive, contact with other humans.
This is an absolute biological, genetic requirement for children under 8 years of age and it is also serious requirement after that age. Older humans can live alone, but in what I call a “degraded condition.” This seems to be an idea that you can “take to the bank.” It seems that reliable. I believe this is a function of our middle brains, the limbic system, as it appears in mammals as the desire to not be left alone, the desire to be included, the herd instinct. I recall in the book, the Horse Whisperer, how young wild horses on the prairie would be given the choice of submission to the lead mare’s wishes or being driven away from the herd. They would always choose submission or “joining up.”
Sometimes the need to be together can be overridden by the experience of unpleasant connections. Hermits are built by repeated history unpleasantness when they tried to connect. They need connection – but not that kind.
The Connection Continuum
Childhood is not all one way or the other. I find the best way to express my experience of this basic rule is to speak of a continuum. At one end is absolute unreliability or insufficiency of connection. At the other is absolute excessive connection. People can find their place along this line – some higher, some lower. As we grow, we sometimes move up and down the continuum.
A: Clingers: Some people receive Unreliable or Insufficient Contact in childhood.
This causes PANIC!!
When an organism experiences too little or intermittent connection, its old reactive, reptilian brain activates. I call this Panic. As children, these people survive by developing CLINGING skills. These are behaviors of hanging on, standing close, resisting being distanced. And as these children grow, when they can walk, they develop PURSUING skills. These are just ambulatory, walking clinging skills. These behaviors involve following, moving toward, and chasing. A Clinging/Pursuing child doesn’t want to be put down, and runs out of the house and after their parents when left with a baby sitter.
These same skills of clinging and pursuing, driven by PANIC, become habits and follow the child into adulthood. Attention getting may become a life-style.
Reactive Behavior
When these adults panic, they move toward others, especially their partner. They ask questions, follow, push toward, talk at, and in general become invasive of their partner’s space. As an adult, clinging may become very controlling, possessing, captivating, cornering and interrogating acts. This is the source of stalking behavior.
Symptom
This is your pattern if you often frequently think of, or fear, your partner leaving you behind.
Focus
When nervous, you will focus on your partner’s evasiveness, withdrawal, silence. You may also have day or night dreams of safe togetherness – of finally living happily forever.
B: Avoiders: Others people received Excessive or Unpleasant Contact in childhood.
This causes PANIC!!
When an organism experiences too much or painful contact, the old reactive, reptilian brain activates. Again this is Panic. Children who experience this develop AVOIDING skills. These are behaviors that do not invite contact. Even when hungry these children don’t cry. We often call the “good babies,” but really they are happier when left alone. As these children grow, when they can walk, they develop ISOLATING skills. These are just ambulatory or walking skills of avoiding. Isolating involves having hiding places, wandering off, climbing trees and not coming down, running away, sitting at the far end of the room, being very aware of exits, etc.
These same skills of avoiding and isolating, driven by PANIC, become habits and follow the child into adulthood. Withdrawing may become a life-style.
Reactive Behavior
When these adults panic, they move away from others, especially their partner. They are quiet, self-contained, elusive, non-talkative, and in general, often emotionally cold.
Symptom
This is your pattern if your mind often goes blank when your partner talks, asks, or moves toward you.
Focus
When nervous, you will focus on your partner’s invasiveness, attacking, pushing, and you may dream of peace, quiet and space.
Where are you?
Take a moment to find the place on this continuum that fits you. We are all somewhere along this line at any moment. Over a lifetime you may change position. Usually in partnership one will be higher on the line and one lower. This seems critically and often disastrously true for perhaps 80% of the couples I have seen. Are you the higher one or the lower one? How about your parents? Where did you see them to be?
I make the high Clingers to be 90 or 95 and the low Avoiders 5 or 10 When I started to look at this problem, I saw myself as 80 and my partner as 35. I was comfortable with what I call about 80 units-of-contact. If my partner gave me more than 80, I would panic and start to pull away – avoiding. If my partner gave me much less than 80, I would panic and start to chase her. Now my partner was content with about 35 units-of-contact. If I gave her 35, she would be happy. If I gave her more, she would panic and start to withdraw. On the odd occasion that I gave her less than 35 units-of-contact, she would start to move toward me.
I also find that over a period of time people may change their position and even reverse sides. Thus I prefer to speak of Clinging rather than of Clingers, of Avoiding rather than Avoiders.
Note: One fun image is that when people go out in public to find a partner, dating, at that moment they are all clinging – wanting more reliable connection. After you meet a person and become close, after a while, one will switch to avoiding.
Clingers Fall in Love with Avoiders; Avoiders marry Clingers
The primary reason we select our partner has to do with familiarity. Our partner “feels” familiar to us.
I, a clinging kind of guy, am attracted to a partner who tends to avoid – of course. The simple reason is because she is familiar. She is like the caretakers I had as a kid who were often unreliable and not available enough. I recognize that behavior.
My partner, an avoiding kind of gal, is attracted to me, of course. The simple reason is because she has been familiar with my type of excessive person since early in life. I have many of the traits similar to her overwhelming and intrusive caretakers. She “recognized” me on the first date.
Falling in love tends to set this situation up. (Again and again and again.)
The problem
When a Clinging person gets nervous, they tend to move toward their partner in order to reduce their growing panic. The Avoiding partner sees someone coming and, starting to panic, they move away. The Clinger sees their partner moving away, and moves faster. The Avoider now runs faster from the clinging person, who is now “chasing” them. The two run toward what I call the Leaving Wall, the wall at the edge of the relationship – the Divorce Wall.
Now this could start the other way. When an Avoider gets nervous, they tend to pull back and head for some quiet space. The Clinging partner sees their partner move away and, starting to panic, they start to hold on or follow. The Avoiding partner feels the holding on and, further panicking, withdraws more frantically, firmly.
The two run toward that Leaving Wall, the Divorce Wall.
These scenarios get played out over and over with no conscious effort, but usually a lot of panic. And they always move toward that Leaving Wall. In my experience, this situation is a crisis problem in probably 85% of the couples I have seen. It is almost always one of the two main crises for people who come to my website via the article “What to do when he/she leaves you.”
A Clinger/Pursuer’s View (the clinging partner)
From my point of view, as a Clinger, the Leaving Wall scares me. It is a place of fear. Whenever my partner said, “I’m out of here; or “I can’t take this any longer;” or she was just gone a little longer than I expected, or she was quiet, I would start worrying. My worry always had more or less panic within it. I visualized her divorcing me, leaving me, having an affair, dying, etc. etc. The Leaving Wall scared me. I did all sorts of things to protect myself from “her going over that Leaving Wall.” All of my efforts were temporary fixes. But sadly, all my efforts seemed to push her away.
An Avoider/Isolator’s View (the withdrawing partner)
From my partner’s point of view, as an avoider, the Leaving Wall was a safe haven. Sure she would act with panic, but she did not fear the Leaving Wall. What scared her was the lack of what I call the Space Wall. Space Wall was that place she could get behind to take a break from me. Kahil Gibran said, “Let there be spaces in your togetherness.” It was the lack of Space Wallthat frightened my partner. Without that Space Wall, the only safety for her was the Leaving Wall, (which, of course, scared me).
Oh, by the way, Avoiders/Isolators often seen contact as a conflict!
Solution:The Wall Within
The Space Wall protects my partner (the avoiding partner), not so much from me, but from her historically valid experiences of too much contact. It also does protect her from me. Simultaneously it protects me (the clinging partner) from that dreaded Leaving Wall. It she has plenty of Space Wall, she does not need to go toward the Leaving Wall. Hooray!!! And so The Space Wall is the “Wall that Al built.” It worked.
The simple solution is that I, the clinging partner, build and maintain a Space Wall that is reliable to me and to my partner.
Advice for the Clinging Partner
Learn to enthusiastically create, and support your partner’s need for the Space Wall. This will reduce their need to move toward the Leaving Wall – Divorce Wall. Give them the “benefits of leaving while they are with you.”
Learn to be happy when on your own and learn to switch to the on-your-own mode quickly.
Good News
You can live with the Space Wall. You can live alone! Not well, but you are designed for it.
Bad News
Your partner cannot live without the Space Wall! Without a strong, readily available Space Wall, they have to use the Leaving Wall. You have to take primary care of your own neediness. You might as well consider yourself “insatiable”. But you can live with it.
Also, I want you to be clear that this topic is the only one in relationship skills were the solution seems one-sided. It seems unfair. And I think it is unfair (check out my paper on this). But I’d rather have a solution that is somewhat unfair than have no solution at all.
Whoever is the Clinger at any time, that is the one who has to do the primary work. This is because the Isolator’s defensive posture usually contains paralysis, often a drop in blood pressure in their cortex, that makes them unable to act at all. They just Freeze.
Sorry about this.
LEARN TO USE THE SWITCH
Giving your partner the Space Wall, and you really have to get good at this, (see my paper on The Testicle Principle) does not take care of your need for connection. You have to take care of that, yourself. This is what I learned, and what follows is how I solved my need for connection when my partner was not available.
Here’s the Situation
Boy, am I needy. I came to realize that I am very needy. I came out of my childhood needing lots and lots of attention. I can look back and hear voices of people complaining about how needy I was. When I finally began to understand this, I decided that I needed about 1500 love units per day. This was not my fault. This excess neediness was my parent’s business, but that’s all past now. Now it is my problem. So here I am needing lots and lots of love units each day.
My partner, not so much. My wife came out of her childhood with a very limited ability to produce love units. Her maximum on a good day is 50 love units. Oh, she can work lots and accomplish many many things, but when it comes to love units – not much. This isn’t her fault. This limited capacity was her parent’s business. But now it is her problem — and my problem, too, because I have been trying to get my needed 1500 love units out of a 50 love unit source for years.
Now What!
So I looked at this situation and looked for my options.
- My wife had the best love units available. She just didn’t have many of them. I wanted every one of her capacity.
- I can live alone. True, I am kind of degraded when alone, but I can do it. In fact when I travel for business I take care of myself pretty well.
- There are lots of love units in the world. I get love from cats, dogs, horses, friends, TV, music, radio talkshows, clients, audiences – wow, there are many sources! Still, among all these sources, my wife has by far the best quality love units – just not many.
My Fix: The Solutions in three Steps.
And thus here is what I did, and I did it right in front of my partner.
- I improved my ability to live alone. I looked at my time alone and started to do a better job. I noticed that when I had lived alone, between my marriages, that I often did pretty well. I noticed that when I traveled for business I often did pretty well. I just was not in the habit of doing well when I was near my partner. So I practiced doing better. E.g. When I traveled, I always had a good book available. So, I learned to have a good book available at home also.
- I improved my ability to get love units from other sources in the world. But, and this is a big but, never did I draw on a source that would threaten my partner. Remember, she had the best LU’s in town. I didn’t want to ruin my chances of getting them. So, for me, this meant that I could get love units from any person or any group as long as they weren’t single females. I built up a network of friends. I joined volunteer organizations. I gave presentations. I kept up with my pets.
- I developed a super-fast switch. This was a skill to be able to shift from my partner as a source, to my living-along-skills, to my friends, and back quickly. If I was with my friends and my partner had some to share, I would drop my friends and head home. If I was with my partner and she suddenly seemed to want quiet time, I would grab a book and start reading.
The Benefits of the Fix
I was stunned by the benefits of doing this. I mentioned that I did it in front of my partner. My partner seemed relieved that I was doing it. She actively supported me. She told me about having so often felt a “failure” that she could not meet my needs. She began to relax around me and……..her output of love units began to increase. At this point, quite a few years since I started this plan, she can produce probably 500 love units without difficulty. Wow! And they are those highest quality love units!
Now, they are still not as many as I want, but I found out something else. It was the reliability that made all the difference, not the number of love units. My panic was much more driven by the fear that my sources would be cut off. And now I, with my Superfast Switch, was taking care of the reliability. My supply became just fine. My strategy met my need for reliable and sufficient contact and met my partner’s need for not-excessive contact. Cool!
Advice to the Avoiding Partner
Learn to firmly and gently make the Space Wall, yourself. Learn to anticipate your own needs for quiet, and signal your partner when those needs are coming up. Learn to take “time outs.” Tend to your partner’s need for reliability by showing that your Space Wall is not a Leaving Wall. Always refer to your returning when you start to move away.
Good News
You get the quiet space you need.
Bad News
You have to develop Relationship Responsibility. You can’t blame your partner for your need for space. You have to come back.
LEARN THE GENTLE ART OF “TIME OUTS”
Also Check out my articles on What to do when he/she won’t talk and the Testicle Principle.
Thanks for the speedy reply Al! And yes, I was definitely identifying with the Bully/Master/Slave/etc articles. My therapist said the same thing – apparently, there’s a new term – co-narcissist – but basically means: enabler/codependent. I do have plenty of work to do so that I can be in a more healthy and stable relationship. As for dealing with gaslighting narcissists, um, no thanks, I’ll take a pass on that.
Al, I’ve poked around your site (ok, it’s been more than a little poking). Here’s my big question for you: how do you apply, or can you even apply, your principles when you are dealing with someone with narcissistic personality disorder who employs gaslighting?
Dear Jenn, Great question and the answer I want to give is “Hell, yes!” I even chatted with Sandra about it and we both got excited, here on vacation.
NPD seems very common problem in our culture and I see it in relationships a lot. Sometimes the symptoms are so strong or so “in public” that the person gets a formal diagnosis. More often they just manage to go along causing trouble. And gas lighting seems a normally learned tactic that they have.
I believe NPD is a common relationship disorder – meaning if the person lives alone the symptoms don’t cause trouble. On my website you will find NPD as synonymous with “Bully” or “Master”. You can read about their approach, and what to do about them, in the series of papers on Master/Slave.
Another value for them is they cannot exist without a certain kind of partner who enables them. There are lots of labels for these people, I call them “Slaves” or “codependents.” Every time I’ve seen a NPD, they have always been surrounded by codependents all they way back through childhood.
Sandra just said, “Codependents are grown to fall for gas lighting.”
So if you want to deal with NPDs, get your own house in order and clear away any codependency you carry.
Good luck.
Hi, I’ve found this site per chance, I started reading and found that it has a lot of important insight.
Curious enough I’ve more or less acted the way you describe, trying to keep the middle ground, avoiding to cling too much and avoiding to be isolated too much. Trying to mediate conflicts, not coming too strong nor too weak. The problem probably comes from that.
I noticed that in some situations I act more like a Clinger, others more like an avoider. For instance, I can be isolated with 0 contact for weeks/months, but at the same time I expect my partner to show some clinging.
Although I don’t show the usual Avoider traits, sure I have my “alone time” but I’m sort of like “kindness begets kindness”, when a partner clings to me I often cling back. Which, by what you described here might make my partner (which was the initial clinger) have an unfamiliar image of me, because I didn’t answer with the avoidance expected and familiar to his/her childhood.
Since I always try to work on myself, because it’s more reliable (depends on me alone), I came to understand that I’m probably more of an Avoider, but I can move within the Clinging Chart too easily (which confuses my partner?). I say this because although I can be isolated an have no issue with it, I noticed I need what you call “quality love units” from my partner, if I currently have a partner.
I also noticed that I might have some issue with commitment, not in the sense of betraying, but taking that next step, although I’ve never verbally said no to it, I might not have said yes either. Looking back, I was probably trying to make sure my partner was sure of it, didn’t want any part to have any regrets?
Maybe I sense that I close more doors than those that I open, regardless of their quality, and want my partner to share the same view and be sure?
Do you have any suggestion?
Dear AV, I’m curious. It sounds as if you’ve reached my site and mostly believe you are doing “everything” in a pretty balanced way. Sounds good, with the big sound of “but.” You ask for suggestions. I don’t see the problems yet. For me the work begins with the problems. It helps focus my/our efforts.
I can read between the line and guess what your are facing, but I really think I would be far off. So I invite you to say more. What’s going on? What are your and his stated problems?
The only things I hear are problems with “intimacy” and “trust.” This article is about Reliable Membership and I am wondering about how you and your partners manage reliability?
I am a clinger, and I hate it. My bf and I have been together for 2 years and up until 3 months ago we were relatively fine. He began pulling away, not calling and texting like he always had. He lives almost an hour away but works near where I live so he comes over only on Fridays after work to stay the night.
He lives with his sister who apparently has no intention of allowing him to live his own life, for she keeps him around by playing the poor me card because she can’t afford her current bills alone. He feels obligated to her because 7 years ago she helped him in that situation. He and I used to talk about issues if they would arise, and he said he loves that if something bothers me, I simply tell him about it. Over the past few months he no longer calls or texts as he used to. Normal back then was up to 100 texts a day conversations and a phone call on his lunch break. This week has offered me calling him twice and him texting me 10 times total. Two weeks ago I went major Lizard on him and cornered him when he came over. I told him I feel bad because it feels like he is avoiding me. The whole time he sat with his head in his hands. When I asked if he understood what I meant, he said he was just taking it all in. I know now that I pushed too much.
When I talk to him on the phone and tell him I love him, he hurries off the phone and doesn’t reciprocate. I brought it up and he said he’s just upset about his job and the slow down at work. I consciously know that I am clinging and begging for his affection. I am on the verge of becoming obsessed about finding out how I can make him happy again. I wait for the phone to ring, and for Fridays to come around. He’s begun leaving early on our one day a week, and I feel the avoidance behavior and it’s infuriating. I feel as though I’m running uphill and the apex is not in sight. I know I cannot corner him and order answers.
But after reading through all your material, I have found that I need to simply call a time out for him. I try very hard to stay calm when he’s around, but my own feelings of inadequacy for not being able to get through and have him understand my feelings become overwhelming. I don’t know what else to do. I love reading, and read frequently to calm down and focus on other things. I work out to deal with the stress. I’m worried that I will have a nervous breakdown from the feelings I require that he does not give. My best friend is always available and I talk to him frequently to deal with it.
Can you give me any additional advice or articles to read to further my patience and understanding? All help you offer will be taken and used. I am so thankful I found this site.
Well, hello Egirl, I am a clinger and hated it for a long time also. My guess is that all clingers have lots and lots of panic about being left alone/behind/out. And that panic surfaces at its worst when in a relationship and your partner backs up and pulls away. Of course that panic is just a taste of the panic the clinger had over and over as a kid – whether they recall it or not. Panic sucks.
The good news is that all of us are designed to be capable to survive alone. It still sucks, but we can do it. The goal for us Clingers is to learn the skills so that a partner will chose to live with us reliably for ever. Those skills always mean learning to not come across as pushy and to be helpful when our partner needs quiet time. Tis not easy at first.
Another piece of good news is this has nothing to do with our adequacy. We are cool people. If you divided the world into all the Clingers and Avoiders, I bet most of the cool things that are done are started by Clingers.
Making sure that your partner has plenty of space and quiet time is only one of the things that makes them happy and feel safe. But it is a start. And it moves in the direction of making you feel safe and happy, too.
So your job, I guess, is to learn more about you and particularly how to deal with yourself when you start to panic. Gotta get good at soothing yourself. Books, best friends, etc. are all great. Food, liquor, drugs, exercise are good as long as you watch yourself.
Patience is quite a project to learn. I usually recommend anything that teaches you to practice it: meditation, any oriental practice, fly-fishing, painting, etc. Not the “mall”, video games, and noisy things.
“Understanding”? My paper on Empathy might help. Lots of people are working on this. You might stay away from people who think they know it all.
I really appreciate your help. I always thought by not asking him to see me more than once a week, I was giving him space. So I really did think that I was doing my part to be a good partner. I play guitar and find that very soothing also, so I will give that a try too. Guess I do have a little patience in me after all. Learning a new song doesn’t come overnight 🙂
And after practicing some of the different things you wrote about and reading about pushing, I found that today when he talked to me he was very open and answered questions without me asking. I am so glad I found you on here. Today is one of the first days in quite some time that I don’t feel like I’m ready to rip out of my own skin. Thank you so much.
I will definitely read over Empathy, because honest to goodness I have none for anyone in any situation. I think it will not only make me a better person, but a better partner. Again, thank you so very much Al. I hope others can use your words and experiences to better themselves and their relationships.
BTW, he KNOWS i didn’t want him to go. He knows I love him, and the kids do, too. He has ZERO doubts about that. So, my silence won’t be taken as a lack of love. But, he has had many relationships in the past, and usually, when one is over, it’s not too long (3 weeks-7 months) before he’s in a new one. So, I’m worried.
Mom of 7
Dear Friend, This may be a little in-your-face. Of course he knows you don’t want him to go! He probably believes you want to posess him, like a jailer!. Clingers, when they panic (even me), don’t act very loving. They say they are loving and act very very different. An Avoider often has trouble putting into words this conflict, this betrayal of love.
I hear and don’t believe your “ZERO doubts”.
My goal is that you recover the good parts of your relationship and build it much better. Besides the Clinger/Avoider stuff, I am guessing that Controlling is an issue. Keep a learning.