It is Not Fair! The Testicle Principle
By © Al Turtle 2007
Print this paper in PDF Listen in MP3
I have been monitoring this problem in my clients, and in discussions among people on the web, for about four years. Yesterday I got one more call from a person who seemed completely exhausted by trying over and over to deal with it – and failing. Here’s the deal. All issues and problems that couples bring to my office are fair. Each person can lead the way out of the troubles. If two people lead, then so much the better, but one is all that is necessary. As I have said elsewhere, “It takes one to make a marriage, and two to make a divorce.”
Oops, all problems except one, that is.
There is one problem for which only one person who can lead in the solution. I call this the Testicle Principle. Now you guys are familiar with the idea that one is a bit higher and a bit more infront or behind the other. Nature does this, to make sure that when we slam our legs together, all will be ok. Painful to have them stay side by side in a pinch. Well, the same thing is true in a couple’s relationship. In this particular problem, and in this problem only, there is a designated leader. However, since about 85% of couples that I see have this problem, this is a big deal. This is the “Unfair Problem.”
You might want to look at this article as a second part to my earlier paper on the Two Wall Problem – Reliable Membership. And you might want to review that paper again before reading on. By the way, this is the problem and solution that my wife and I started working on about 12 years ago. And, luckily I realized I was the designated leader! At that time I printed a sign for the wall of our house that reminded me of my job, my role. Using the word “Lizard” to refer to the survival instinct that was operating in myself and partner, my sign read, “You will never get love by chasing a Lizard.”
Review (of Reliable Membership principles)
The principle is that “All people require adequate, reliable (and not excessive) contact with other humans.” At any given time, each person has a position on a continuum from extremely needy, to extremely avoidant. No one will be exactly at the same spot. Put two people together and one will be more clingy (reacting to insufficient or unreliable contact) and one will be more avoidant (reacting to too much contact). In an intimate relationship, this distressing situation often becomes chronic, repeats over and over, and produces a great deal of distress. When this sort of event starts, one acts needy, clingy, clawing, interrogating, pushy, invasive, in-your-face, pain-in-the-butt, insatiable, etc. I call this person the Clinger, or the Pursuer, the Needy one. During this event the other partner acts cold, withdrawing, silent, detached, avoidant, self-contained, isolating, etc. I call this person the Avoider, or the Isolator, or the Independent one. During these events, both tend to drive each other crazy. The behavior on both sides is driven by a) a need for enough connection or enough space and b) panic / the lizard. When the Lizard takes over, watch out! I am a clinger, and have lived through this problem to its solution. I recall each stage of the learning. It was rough. My wife was an avoider. Enough said.
In my earlier paper on this subject, I shared what the solution is: a) the avoider needs adequate space on demand, and the b) clinger needs adequate reliable connection.
But this is easier said than done, and this is where the Testicle Principle comes in. I have never known an Avoider who has been able to lead the way into solving this problem. Hear me? Never. When I work in my office with Avoider individuals, who cannot get their Clinging partner to come in with them, all the Avoiders have ended up stuck – failing in their marriage. Many of the Pursuers have been successful and leading toward a great marriage. I was baffled by this for some time. Then I began to suspect the problem. Panic causes a Clinger to activate. Panic causes an Avoider to shut down. Frantic but active people can choose among different solutions. Shut down people stand still and freeze. Just try to get a frozen person to lead you! This will not work.
Zoning Out
I am used to one technique of the Lizard when it freezes. It shifts the blood pressure in the brain so that the person just drifts away or “zones out.” When a child is being violated, this reaction saves its sanity. The child feels nothing. When on the battle field a soldier, under extreme pressure, just disconnects. That was shown in the early part of the movie, Saving Private Ryan, by the episodes of silence during the D-Day invasion. I began to connect this zoning out with Avoiders. When a couple comes into my office, I typically speak to the Avoider first. I find this person by speaking to the person who did not make the appointment. Clingers, I have found, make the appointment about 95% of the time. For the last three years, if I get the impression that the person I am speaking to is really an avoider, I ask this question. “This might seem like a funny question. Do you ever find yourself in front of your partner, they are speaking, and you have just gone blank? Can’t think of anything? Don’t even know what they are saying?” In these three years, 70% of these people have looked a bit startled, and then said, “Yes. Often.” Some describe it as happening many times a day when they are together with their partner. Often they tell me that they have told no one about this before, and that it has been a problem since they were little kids. I usually tell them that what I believe they are experiencing is probably low blood pressure in part of their brain and that this protective dropping of blood pressure is normal. I also say that we will deal with it later in our sessions together.
Clingers must do the first work
The challenge to fix this problem of Reliable Membership is for the team to create TimeOuts for the Avoider (on demand) and create reliable connection for the Clinger. But the Avoider overloads, goes into Zoning Out and paralysis, and cannot “demand” or even request the TimeOut. They cannot even ask nicely at first. They just shut down. (At least not at first.) If we Clingers are respectfully waiting for them to become "responsible" and to ask for a TimeOut, we may wait till the cows come home. I have found this out. I have studied this. Check it out for yourselves.
Avoiders begin to overload, slip further into overload and finally arrive at full overload. They may know this is going on, but most often they are not aware. We, Clingers, may not see it going on. There is no blinking light on your partner’s head that says, “Overload in 2 minutes” or “Now overloaded.” We Clingers typically become aware some time after our partner is zoned out for some seconds or minutes.
Thus to fix this problem, Clingers are the only ones left who can do anything, and, omigosh, “aloneness” is their biggest fear! Still they are looking for a solution. Clingers get caught between their biggest fear (abondonment) and the opportunity to make progress in their relationship. So this is the time, oh you Clingers, to call a TimeOut for your partner, and then go take care of your need for connection while your partner is recovering from Overload.
(By the way, I found that it doesn’t do any good to verbalize the idea that you are calling a TimeOut for them. “Boy, you look like you need a TimeOut!” doesn’t work. Try, “This is getting heavy for me. Let’s take a 1 hour TimeOut.” This, I found, works.)
If you regularly call TimeOuts in behalf of your partner, i.e. when they "seem" to need it, they will tend to believe/trust that you can give one and then maybe they can call one. Then one day, and I remember the day it happened to me, your partner may say, “I am gonna need a TimeOut in 4 minutes.” On that day, I suggest you crow and jump for joy, because your huge pain is in suddenly finding yourself alone, and now your partner is helping you to avoid it. Your partner is giving you a warning ahead of time, which you can respond to. Your partner is being predictable.
The Clinge​r Tasks
Give your partner more TimeOuts than they need. Your goal is to use your energy, panic, and wisdom to keep your partner out of Overload. As long as they are out of Overload, all other problems in the relationship are solvable by either one leading – or both. When your partner is in Overload, no one can do anything productive. When the Avoider is in Overload, it is your job to do what it takes to bring them back. It is good to quickly recognize when your partner is in overload. The quicker the better. Also, I have learned that it is wise to begin to recognize when your partner "might" go into overload and anticipate it. Hint: learn how to, pleasantly, give your partner more space than they need. You will begin to see them coming toward you – which is what you want. The second thing you must do is KEEP YOURSELF OUT OF PANIC in the presence of your partner! Your Panic probably cues them into overload. I cannot stress this enough. Learn to recognize the clues to when you are “losing it,” get away from your partner. Do things that calm you down (at least 20 minutes) and then come back. Boy, is this hard! This situation will not seem fair to you. It isn’t fair. But this works.
The Avoider Tasks
I think it is good to help your Clinger partner understand what this situation is like for you. Tell them. They may not believe you at first. Hopefully this article will help you. I think it is good to not blame yourself for becoming overloaded. This is a normal Lizard brain behavior, when it thinks it is dying. This is Freezing. It is protecting you the best way it knows how. I think it is good to validate your partner’s frustration – when you can. “Hey, I sure see your frustration when I zone out. Now, I can’t do anything else, but I see how that must hurt you, and I bet it seems unfair.” Practice planning ahead. Learn to anticipate your overloading, and call a TimeOut before you need it. I, a Clinger, recall the first time my partner said, “I can listen to you for another 4 minutes, and then I will need a couple of hours of TimeOut.” It was wonderful to hear her give me a warning. My suggestion is that if you think you can handle your partner’s enthusiasm for 10 minutes, call a TimeOut in 5 minutes. Give yourself some leeway.
What about Switching Sides?
It is very common for some couples to switch position. Some days, or months, or about some subjects, one is the Clinger and the other is the Avoider. And then they switch. Guys are often Clingers around sex, and Avoiders around most everything else. Sometimes a “normally” clinging partner will get exhausted and will switch sides and walk away. The Testicle Principle still works. It is the Clinger who does the leading, the initial work. This is what I have figured out. Good luck.
Al. How can I “diffuse”, Kill the lizard? I am a clinger, real bad, My mom told me she wouldnt have had me if it was up to her so I think I was ignored…ALOT.
Well, Allan, that’s a heck of a question that I’ve wondered about and been asked about often. My understanding is that you don’t wanna do it. The Lizard is the piece of your body that keeps you alive and does all sorts of vital (keep you alive) things. Like it runs your heart, your breathing – stuff like that. You can kill it, but that will kill you. “Ice pick to the back of the neck, bullet to back of neck, and the new/old favorite beheading.” Not recommended 🙂
Best is to learn to take care of your Lizard and learn to protect it, keep it safe, soothe it. Get it used to the idea that a caring adult (YOU) is around all the time, now.
Best of luck to a fellow super-clinger.
My wife reminded me of the Jimmy Buffett song, ““>Off to see the Lizard.“
I just wanted to say this website is absolutely brilliant, has really helped me understand patterns in my relationship and critically, has really helped with panicky feelings. Thank you so much for providing such excellent advice.
You are really welcome, Lizard catcher (suzi ?).
Dear Al, I am hoping you can help me as I feel desperate and terrified about the direction my relationship is heading.
My partner and I met 4 years ago and fell madly, hopelessly, and quickly in love with one another. There were so many incidences of synchronicity and strange things in common – we shared very specific interests, had scarily similar backgrounds, and had even dreamed of one another before we had met. I am in no doubt that this man is my soulmate. We are very different people. He is quiet, kind, low energy, reserved and sensitive – and as our relationship has progressed I have also realised he can be quite passive aggressive and an avoider. I am open to a fault, expressive, outgoing, and energetic, and have realised I can be overly aggressive, controlling, and clingy. We are both guilty of being too critical. We bought a house together and I became pregnant, so we married (I pushed for this). The first year I struggled with postnatal depression, but our relationship was very good – he was loving, demonstrative, supportive and very patient. I had a very good job and he was in an abusive work situation and had no confidence to look for sown thing else. This came to a head when his boss refused to let him attent scans and antenatal appointments, his boss was becoming more verbally abusive and cotinually threatening to sack him. We both knew he had to find something else before te baby arrived, but his confidence was so low that he needed a lot of support and encouragement. He found a brilliant job and I helped him put together his portfolio and overcome his fear of interviews. He got the job, and his self-esteem seems to have really improved – as I say, he then supported me heroically through a year of postnatal depression.
The problems started about four months ago. I fell pregnant a second time and his contract was coming to an end at his new job. There were months of uncertainly and to make matters works we had to undergo extensive rennovations on our house. I myself was struggling to adjust to the demands of motherhood and pregnancy, and was confused about my new identity – so far removed from the glamourousness career I previously enjoyed. I went from having a fast, demanding media job to being alone for days on end. Almost co-inciding with my resignation at the end of maternity leave, my husband began to withdraw. He told me he no longer knew how he felt about me – he brought things up from years ago, things he had failed to express his anger about at the time. I reacted in anger and confusion to all of this – pushing him to make a decision about our marriage one day, attempting to hide my deep pain with smiles and affability the next. I have both pushed him to talk, and given him lots of space. He is no longer the loving partner I married. He does not touch me, he withdraws when I am upset, he tells me he is depressed and tired and doesn’t feel the same enthusiasm about anything – including me, our daughter, and his job (who incidentally, made him permanent). I am heartbroken, exhausted, and don’t know what to do. I am weeks away from giving birth and my husband refuses to discuss any of this with me – I have told you all I know. He will not seek counselling or help, but does not want to leave our marriage. His behaviour is kind, dutiful, and considerate but the emotional connection and intimacy gave vanished. I am on a roller coaster of emotions and am just desperate for some guidance – please help.
Great letter, Anon (suzi), What a mess! You both sound pretty capable and yet lost when it comes to dealing with a relationship. Your tasks, his job, the kids, your career change, I think are huge changes and really demand a partnership that is strong and stable – which you ain’t got. And now you gotta learn everything at once, let along deal with those heavy tasks. Wow. Life certainly isn’t fair. Bummer.
Hmm, what can I do to help? So far it all sounds solvable. Just seems like there is a lot of it. My first guess is that you don’t need a counselor so much as some who can teach you both how to respectfully talk with each other. That is just a series of skills that anyone can learn. Probably your goal is to get him to reliably chatter with you about anything and that probably means learning what you do that tends to shut him down, stopping that stuff, and learning the stuff that invites people to share. I don’t know where you live but there are lots of people (some counselors, some by other names) who can teach and guide these things. You might want to check out Imago Therapists. Tell ’em you don’t want therapy. You want to learn how to talk. Mention my name.
Good luck.
HI Al. I’m shocked this is probably my husband and I. We have been in the… he needs space mode.. for at least the last day. maybe longer, a day and a half. I have HUGE issues with this. It makes me feel awful when he shuts down. This all makes perfect sense but I don’t know what to do about it. Our children ask me what’s wrong with daddy and I say he has a lot on his mind. He will do occasional nice things for me, but mostly he avoids me.. he avoids talking to me, eye contact, the room I am in. I press and ask what I did.. he swears nothing. He will probably be better later on today. I may normally say something where this hurts my feelings or just let it go. so am I supposed to say nothing? I’ve expressed how this all makes me feel rejected and I get no where. no clear response. It feels like he is intentionally hurting my feelings, but I really don’t think he is. We’ve been married for years.. and until recently, I would go and comfort myself. BUT he just gave up an addiction and claims that the reason he would do his particular addiction was loneliness… so I’ve made every effort to make him feel less lonely only to feel more rejected by him. What do I do?!?
Dear Laura, Sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner. Sounds really tough, not just the clinger/avoider stuff, but also some addiction/codependency recovery stuff at the same time. And kids. Get some help. Some good professional would be in order. You being a clinger, at the moment, probably need someone to talk to fast. On the good side, probably both of you are waking up. That’s always toward the good. And good luck.
How much space to give him? Easy (so say) answer. Just slightly more space than he needs at any point. You want him to be habitually reaching out to you – a little.
Your stress and bad habits are yours and not caused by anyone but you. That's a tough lesson, but at the same time it frees you to work on developing good habits and stress reducing tactics. Boundaries. Etc. I've learned myself and written all about this.
Good luck.
My question: I have been in a relationship with an Avoider, and I am a clinger. (I grew up with an extremely distant father). I have been in this relationship for almost 3 years, and he broke up with me briefly this past summer due to feeling overwhelmed and as though he didn't love me as much as I needed to be loved, etc. He came back after we didn't speak for 3 weeks and we've been working on the relationship ever since. We'd been long distance (much of my clinging took place in the form of text messages insisting something was wrong because I could sense he was pulling away), and he moved to be nearer to me once we got back together and we've been seeing each other ever since.
Last week, I slipped and went pretty deeply into my clingy behavior, concerned that he was pulling away again and badgering him with questions about our separation in the summer. He reached a point where he said he needed space because it felt as though I was saying all that he's done to show me his commitment and love were not enough. I apologized profusely, and he accepted, but he is still significantly detached so I have been trying to give him some space. My question is, how much space should I give? Is it bad for me to send any messages, even if they are just light and happy in tone? I haven't sent anything negative, even remotely, since we made up because I recognized the pattern in myself to revisit old wounds and push him to reassure me too often, but I cannot tell if it's too late and I should be completely detached and no contact at all? We're not broken up or anything, but I don't want to risk losing this all over again due to my stress and bad habits. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!