Find Mr. Right or Ms. Right
© Al Turtle 2007
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“I am single and am looking for a partner. I know I have defects. How do I attract the right partner, one I can work with? How do I go about it?”
This is a great question! I am aware that most of what I know about relationships, and about making them work, has to do with looking back on relationships that are already formed. This is because most people I see are in the Power Struggle and trying to avoid divorce. From their points of view, the things that "attract" people to each other seem a distant memory and pretty unimportant. However, I do have thoughts about how to go about finding Mr. Right or Ms. Right.
Right Partner, Right Skills
What makes for a wonderful relationship has mostly to do with a) selecting the right partner and b) using the right skills to evolve the relationship to the point of reliable joy – Vintage Love. That first step, selecting the right partner, seems to be done almost completely by each person’s unconscious mind. This activity, and its logic, is for the most part out of our sight, in the “Unknown Layer” of the “Iceberg.” The Imago is the name Harville Hendrix (Getting the Love You Want) used for "that durable image of the ‘right partner,’ formed in early childhood, primarily before age 7 or so, which is used in partner selection.” For me, this is the durable picture of a person that feels "deeply familiar" to the survival part of our brains – our Lizards.
Because this involves the unconscious, finding the right partner, like finding the right career, seems to be one of those things measured by your "unconsciously driven," emotional or feeling reaction. In partner selection, we commonly call this "falling in love," or the Romantic Phase, and it is accompanied by lots of PEA and other such delicious chemicals in our bodies and brains. Put more simply, if you fall in love, and it lasts for more than a month, let us say 48 hours of together-time, you are probably with an Imago matching person. You are probably with one of the people close enough for your needs in order to work toward creating Vintage Love.
However, finding a Right person does not seem to be amenable to manipulation – makeup, phony masks, etc. People’s unconscious seems to be able to look right through that "marketing behavior!" I personally believe there are thousands of factors involved in the selection of an Imago match. Part of the complexity comes from the notion that the most important factors are negative ones or more accurately, negative factors that are currently masked. I have become used to the idea that if I list the factors in a person’s Imago, most of those factors, and particularly most of the “important” ones, will be unpleasant factors. Our unconscious mind not only doesn't mind this stuff, it focuses on it. While our conscious mind strenuously avoids it.
Examples:
- Avoiders are interested in people who will “respect their needs for space.” However they will be more attracted to Clingers who are temporarily acting like “space-giving people, than to genuine “space-giving people.”
- Or gullible people will fall for a person who pretends, who is disingenuous, while at the same time hating people who pretend, like the people they were raised by. They may fall for a phony who is pretending to be honest.
This does not seem to me to be “fooling the Lizard,” but an example of the Lizard being on track, doing exactly what it is designed to do.
The Power Struggle, which will always appear eventually in the form of distress or fighting, is a sign that you both need to learn some new skills and do some different behaviors. I think the kind of distress usually points directly at the skills you need to learn in order to address those “negative factors”. I hope that if you learn some of those skills earlier, it will make moving beyond the Power Struggle easier and quicker.
Three selection criteria seem similar in all couples:
- equal native IQ,
- equal levels of dysfunction in childhood,
- equal desire for Vintage Love.
I am used to seeing in my practice these baseline conditions, even in couples where these conditions don’t seem to appear – at first.
So, whatcha gonna do? Paint your eyelashes blue? Pump up the muscle? Seems so silly!
Here is my suggestion:
My best guess about how to go about locating Mr. Right or Ms. Right or your “soul mate” is to make yourself available to the selection process built into your own psyche, and to that of others. Plan on "checking out" about 100 people who are all reasonable Imago candidates. (By the way, you can play a lot while doing this. I think being playful is a wonderful skill, that is natural in childhood, and not to be forgotten in adulthood.)
Think of where the kinds of people, you want to be with, are. Right now, where are they? Where do they gather? Where do they hang out? If you do not like the bar scene, stay way. If you like the outdoors, where are outdoor lovers. If you like the temperament of religious people, consider going there. If you love science, where are those who love science. If you love watching TV, notice what you really like on TV, and think of where people who like the same things will be when they leave their TVs and go out. It is true you only need one person, but you have to get involved with the selection process in order to pick and be picked by that one.
Now, build a cheap and repeatable selection scheme. What I mean is that I think you need about 4 hours in the presence of a person to let your selection process kick off. Sure, the romantic “look across the room” does happen, but is followed up with a 4 hour or so time needed together. Most looks across the room do not survive the 4-hour test. So I believe you need to set up a simple, repeatable testing process at least 4 hours long.
During those four hours of your selection scheme, be with each other, alone. Do not go to a movie, play, opera, as that will distract you from each other too much. Walk in a park, by the bay, in the forest, on the beach, by the lake, have a nice coffee visit, go to a training seminar, etc. Make it seem very safe to your guest. It is probably a good thing to be alone, where others can see you from a distance. Experience each other and see whether both want to go further with time together. My rule is “Have enough distractions to make things easy, but not too many.”
I suggest you use the same scheme on each possible Imago candidate. ‘Tis cheaper and simpler. Remember, things have to “click” with both people for things to go much further. Your partner may be your Imago match, while you are not theirs. Live with it! I suggest you do not spend months with one person, if magic is not happening. Move on to the next Imago candidate.
This seems a tragic mistake with young people, spending months and years with someone for whom they did not feel any spark at all, and thus not going out and looking. Oh, and it is important to separate those we have had no spark with, from those who we are now in the power struggle with.
Kind of perversely, I believe a Power Struggle partner, was/is an Imago Match, and should be treated as a “keeper.” I suggest you divorce or split from “the relationship” you are having with this person. Leave that “relationship” behind by converting that Power Struggle into the University of Life and building a new relationship, Vintage Love, with them.
Remember, with the right person, magic (PEA) will emerge, followed by a "nice period of time" (days, weeks, months), followed by the Power Struggle. The fighting time is when you need to start working and learning all those things and skills that you have not learned yet to be able to stay with that partner.
I took all my Imago candidates to a wildlife refuge for a walk in the wild. It cost me drive time, which was a good connection time. It cost me arranging food for lunch, which was a good connecting activity. It cost me time. That was it. I kept at it through almost 16 women. The last is my wife, and she brought little bottles of Lancers wine with her in her purse to lunch! She was/is a “keeper.”
Here is one last suggestion, and it may seem crazy. There are many Imago candidates out there. Let us play some numbers. If you hate the bar scene, I think one out of every 10,000 people in bars may be a match for you. If you like religious thoughts, then I think one out of 200 people in the single's group at your church may be a match. If you like museums, I think one out of 150 people, of more or less your age, who are walking through a museum with you may be a match. If you are a caretaker, I think one out of 200 people of your age in volunteer organizations may be your match. I think, maybe one out of every 500 people your age and relative social group may be an Imago match. Looking at all I know, I think there are many Imago matches out there for everyone. You just have to find one and get to work. (People asked me, where did I get those numbers? I made them up. I learned the skill of guessing from a wild red-haired physics teacher. The numbers seem about right to me.)
Finding a right one (yes, I said “A right one”) may seem like trying to find a needle in a haystack. However, there is a place that you may not have thought to look. And this might seem “nuts.” The last Imago match, the last person you fell in love with, and whom you broke up with in a power struggle, is probably a perfectly good Imago candidate – no matter how silly you both acted when you split. All your past lovers, of any depth, are possible matches. You could have dropped them while in a Power Struggle with them, because you did not know how to convert that distressing situation into the University of Life. You might be better able to make that conversion now. Check them out! Heck, right now they might be rejecting their current Power Struggle partner! I told you this might seem crazy! I have met lots of people who are splitting from a current partner to go back and date their childhood sweetheart. (Of course if you are currently married, how about transforming that power struggle with your current partner into Vintage Love? It’s quicker!)
I say, go for it!
Two quick thoughts.
As you may have noticed I don't enter into a lengthy “dialogue” with anyone on this website. Tis just a boundary for me. I need more immediate contact with people to make if fun and rewarding for me. I do have several phone chat “friends” where we have met many times. Here's a link about that chatting. I also do e-dialogue on http://www.marriageadvocates.com/ in a section I call my Whiteboard. (You happen to luck out in that I have some free time today.)
Second, I think you are touching directly on the discoveries that Harville Hendrix published and that differentiates him from the usual patterns of Analysis. To him, and I've certainly come to think similarly, the role of the “adult/therapist” can be helpful, but real healing is more a matter to two people who self-select based on the often complementary nature of their dysfunctions/wounds, and who durably collaborate in provoking healing in each other.
Since you've been in analysis, I'll share his description of a committed relationship as a double-double transference relationship. I see a therapeutic relationship (analysis, counselor, etc) as a single transference with some more complex components – which are often seen as “undesirable.” I think a major piece of Harville's genius was flowing in this area.
I agree that healing happens within a relationship, but I don't think that extreme heartbreak or childhood trauma can be healed within a romantic and sexual relationship. It seems to me that a therapeutic or mentor/friend relationship is needed. I was at crisis point when my ex appeared, already in therapy, and well, as my therapist put it, about 4 years old, emotionally. My thoughts are that if some one is extremely childish or neotonous (is that the word?), then they need the presence of a loving adult, and certainly a non sexual situation, just as a 4 year old doesn't need sex. That makes sense to me.
My therapist also told me he thought my ex invaded me when she pushed for a sexual relationship when I was so emotionally raw. I agree with that. I tried to stop the relationship after just 5 weeks as sex was excruciating. Not during, but after, i would curl into a foetal position. I allowed her to manipulate me into continuing. I wasn't strong enough to set my boundary as I needed it.
It also seems to me that people are attracted to others who share the same type of dysfunction and roughly the same level of emotional maturity. If that is true, that it's unlikely surely that a much more mature person would want to engage in sexual relations with someone who was an emotional teenager/ infant. Am I right in thinking this?
My therapist ascertained that we cannot live with another until we have learnt to live with ourselves. It also seems that we learn to have a healthy relationship with ourselves through engaging in a healthy and non sexual relationship with our parents, mentor, pastor or therapist.
Do you believe that any emotional trauma or dysfunctional relating style can be healed in a romantic and sexual relationship? It strikes me as very hard to do, as the tendency to enmesh with the other, especially when sex is involved (isn't sex a temporary enmeshment of sorts) is so high, and so tempting.
I am very curious what your stance is on this. But, I understand if you don't have time to answer this. I must admit I would LOVE to engage in an on going dialogue about this stuff in the comments section here! 🙂
Thanks again for your insights. I feel already that one more layer of the 'onion skin' has peeled back.
Warm regards
A couple of comments.
“What was she trying to save me from? I was broken hearted when we reconnected. (she was an old friend/acquaintance for many years before we were romantic). She wanted to heal me with sex and love. I have learnt that another cannot try to heal one's broken heart. It is self work, not relationship work.”
I think you ran directly into the mine-field that many couples do and that counselors and therapists should know about. A relationship is a kind of therapeutic situation where either one or both are wanting the “other” to be their therapist. And maybe one will try, from time to time. Neither are trained and so will fall on their faces when it comes to the tricky stuff. Not from lack of “trying”. Theoretically with a good therapist, you don't have to worry about being “invaded,” a profoundly awful situation.
Well, she tried and so did you and hopefully you've both learned a bunch.
“I have learnt that another cannot try to heal one's broken heart. It is self work, not relationship work.”
To be a bit picky, I think healing almost everything, especially self-esteem and broken-heart issues, is a kind of relationship work – or more accurately self-work in the presence of “the other”. May seem picky, but I think trying to do it alone is a problem too.
“Blaming” and most “anger” I think is just foolishness on the way to learning how to be respectful. I've written a lot about this. Take a look at my papers starting with Master-Slave.
Congratulations on being a student. My own background was full of classrooms: high school, a bout in college, a wonderful time in the US Navy, more college, private classes and therapy, and finally the really big course with my wife. I've made it to 70. You, take your time. Learn all you can.
Thank you so much for your kind reply. I wept a little reading your post, and in truth, your kind words, not only for me, but for my ex, reminded me of my love for her.
To answer your question. What was she trying to save me from? I was broken hearted when we reconnected. (she was an old friend/acquaintance for many years before we were romantic). She wanted to heal me with sex and love. I have learnt that another cannot try to heal one's broken heart. It is self work, not relationship work. She 'invaded' me of sorts, at least that is how I experienced her and my analyst explainer her.
I have been thinking about how to 'listen' to someone when they are being unreasonable. She screamed at me, because she was trying to blame me for her clinginess I didn't want to be made responsible for her issues, which she was clearly trying to do, but if I'm honest, I was doing the same, blaming my leaving on her clinging. I see that I can learn to sit with someones rage, anger, frustration and learn to listen without compromising my boundaries or safety.
I have decided this morning to start to actively let her go, perhaps to practise a small ritual of 'letting go with love', to free myself.
I wish to forgive myself for my failures, and learn to validate. I'm going to start practising with my friends around me.
On a side note, I went out for dinner last night with a new group of people, and I didn't drink. I've been sober for 3 weeks, self motivated, and It felt great to remember how fine I am socially without alcohol. I was charming and attentive, and had a great conversation with someone new, who said 'it looks like we were supposed to sit together' when I gave her the title of a great book she will find useful.
Finally, yes, I was made to feel utterly worthless as a child, and I have believed that lie for a long time. It is simply not true.
Even my ex, despite her rage at my abandoning her told me in one of our last conversations. 'Your a good man, you did your best, it just wasn't good enough'. (She was a master at the double edged compliment! 🙂
Thank you again, and for your great website.
I hope I can find the money to call you for a chat some day. Student life is tough financially you know!
Warmest regards.
Gee! Where to start? Let's go at it in pieces.
Imago part: “but I can't see how it resolves itself to a loving relationship.” I’ve been living with this Imago concept for about 20 years. I doubted it, fought it, and finally reconciled to it. I see it as a thorough concept that helps people understand why they repeatedly pick certain kinds of relationship. I don’t think it “resolves into a loving relationship.” I see it as the reverse. If you want a loving relationship you’ll have to resolve the issues that you two have, and a way to grasp the details of those issues is to look at the blend of your Imago and your partner’s.
Let’s pull a thread out here. You have troubles with Clinger and Avoider issues, I gather. And you’ve seen both a) how you pick partners with whom that issue becomes a barrier/problem and b) where in your history this kind of problem would find its source. Sounds as if you are still working on the adult resolution to Clinger/Avoider – what I call Reliable Membership. Not there yet.
This sentence of yours is common to people who are facing the “puzzle” of Imago. “I am now hung up on this girl, who i left as I had no space in my heart to love her….I can't be with another. “ The song, “I can’t get you out of my mind….” The common behavior is that people stay together inspite of the problems. (I am thinking of people who live in a culture which is open to splitting up.)
You wrote, “We recently had contact as she wrote to me. All the animosity from the break up is gone, and there is friendliness between us, but she is now taken. “ Sounds as if the animosity is not currently on the surface between you and that might be partially because she is, as you say, taken.
This sentence was more interesting. “When we broke up, my ex accused me of making her clingy by always backing away. When I tried to point out …. simply screamed at me.” I love the screaming part. How can I help? Let’s see. People scream because they think no one will listen. That’s pretty straightforward. What training from childhood put you in the place of a “non-listener” and with a person who can “scream” about it? Sounds like more Imago stuff – hers and yours.
I wonder, “She had been trying to 'save' me,” from what?
I tip my hat to anyone who works this hard. Congratulations: “I spent 18 months in analysis,
Oh. And here’s a good fear. “I fear that eventually I will meet another person like the others, but it will end as they all did, with either me clinging, or leaving them.” Who wants that? Well, the other question is why people do this again and again? And they do. Must be one or more great reasons. To me, Imago gave me a very full adequate understanding of this and what to do about. That’s what this whole website is about.
Here’s my proactive question. If I am going to just go out and meet another avoider (clinger), maybe I had better become an expert of making adult peace with them. If I am going to just go out and meet a person who wants to be heard and yells, maybe I had better become and expert at “making people feel heard.”
Well, good question. “ I can't see any way how my imago leads to love, as my mother invaded me and abandoned me, and my father simply beat me.” I am sorry for what happened to you as a kid. Shouldn’t happen to anyone. Happened to almost everyone. You wouldn’t want my childhood.
Understanding the Imago leads to focusing on what you personally (and your partner personally) have to learn to get love. It’s kind of like a personalized college entrance exam. Let’s you know what courses to take.
“I fear I will be alone my whole life.” Not sure but I think you speak for almost all humans here. Loneliness is a critical problem. Of course the worst loneliness of all is that felt in a relationship that has gone bad. Less bad to live alone, I gather. Check out the book “Going Solo” by Eric Klinenberg.
You sound like a good guy, whose been told you are bad and “foolishly” believed/believes it. Keep going. I had to become expert at stuff my parents(teachers) never even knew existed.