To be Safe You Must Share
No Surprises / Big Surprises
Al Turtle 2006
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People still ask me, "How much should I tell my partner?" I wrote a paper on this topic some years ago, and you can read that to get my general thoughts. However, I want to share a new and simple idea. This paper, and its chart, have had quite an impact on people. In some cases, it has been "life changing" after one reading. That has surprised, and pleased, me. It has also upset a bunch of readers. Look at the following picture.
If you want to be relaxed, you could choose to live alone. (We are not built to live alone, though.) But if you want to be relaxed AND live with someone, then I believe you must choose the inner of the two circles. To feel safe, to have low blood pressure, to be free of tension (at least when with your partner) all you need is to create a relationship of few or no surprises. To be a source of safety to your partner you must gently share new stuff. No surprises mean safety.
However, the only way to get no surprises is to share everything. If I know what my partner is thinking, if I know how she operates, what her values are, what her likes and dislikes are, then what she does will not surprise me and I can relax. I may not like or prefer what she does, but it will not surprise me and I can be at ease with her.
Thus, if you want to feel safe with a person, you need to develop the mutual habits of sharing everything easily, comfortably, and readily. Simple.
Now, look at the outer circle. Most people in our culture do not feel safe enough to share their inner workings, and thus they are careful about what they say. They selectively share. I think a foolish example of this is to share only nice things and keep awkward or negative things hidden. Sometimes this is called being polite.
While this may work with people at work, or with strangers, selective sharing in a long-term relationship is a problem. The secrets will surface. Thus, there will be Big Surprises, and with those surprises, there will often be a sense of betrayal.
But Big Surprises will scare people into to a state of unsafety, apprehension, and tension. This is nowhere more clear than in a marriage when an affair becomes public. At that moment, the burden of the unknown and unshared material becomes enormous. People, particularly the affaired-against-partner start asking many questions. They have become fearful of all that unknown stuff. The questions go on and on.
I see this as an invitation to shift from the outer circle to the inner circle.
A friend wrote me this week with this problem.
I will ask my husband if he will do something. Let us say pick up a pound of fresh ground coffee from the coffee house he goes to every day. He says "sure. He comes home without the coffee. I say "No problem. Will you get it the next time? He says, "Sure." So, this scenario repeats itself…and still, no coffee. We are now completely out of coffee.
So, before our separation, I would have just gotten the coffee myself and be done with it. However, because that was the way I handled many many things –I would ask, he would say he would do something, he would never do it, I would "do it myself" and I ended up being resentful after awhile.
I don't want to be a "nag". I don't want to seem like I'm making a big deal out of seemingly inconsequential thing. Yes, I could just get the coffee and be done with it. But, it really is about him saying he will do something and not doing it…..which leads me to question many of the things he says he will or will not do…..how do I know which ones are for real and which are not???
As you can see the most powerful of the issues here is that something is going on and has been going on in the husband and the wife does not know what it is. No safety. She is inclined to think this is a small matter (about coffee) but it is, to me, a vast topic about Safety and Trust. At least she is aware of being in that outer circle.
Pot and Alcohol
I thought I would just add a bit of fun to this topic. I have found that the effect of Pot (THC) in the brain is to prevent what I call rumination or the ability to understand oneself. Pot smoking results in people who have an almost impossible time sharing what is going on inside themselves. Thus they have to live in a world of chemically induced selective sharing, with Big Surprises. I tell people, who want a good relationship to get as far away from Pot as they can. Safety and trust depend on that sharing of self.
I have a different experience of alcohol. Of course, addiction of any kind will be a major problem, and alcohol addiction will just kill you. However, some alcohol, a little buzz, can trick you into slipping your control and getting you to be more candid and revealing. A couple of drinks may lead you to sharing a whole bunch more than you planned. If you follow up on this, you may find yourselves becoming more and more candid and more and more intimate. Kind of funny.
The Road Less Traveled
Many years ago, I read this poem and loved it. Robert Frost caught that moment of decision so well. As I moved along toward intimacy with my partner, I was aware often that I was choosing to go down that untrodden road, to learn that yet unknown part of my partner, to discover that hidden part of me and to share it. This decision we make every time our partner says or does something that surprises us even a little. Will we go down that familiar road of imagining what is going on and not talking? Will we share or invite our partner to share? Someone once told me If you know where you are going, you are going no where. You are commuting. If you don't know where you are going, well, then you are really traveling!
The movement from the outer ring in the figure above to the inner ring is all about choosing the less traveled road. Mirroring, Validation, PreValidation, Pulling, and the Odd Dialogue, can sure help along the way.
Hi Al,
It has been a while. I’m not sure if you still remember my story. I have been in an on again off again resltionship with a guy for 5 years. When we break up we would miss each other and get back together. When we get back together, things would be nice for a while. As soon as we were getting somewhere, he would start to pick on me, and be very negative and say all sort of hurtful things. It was painful, but each time we got back things got better and better. This time I thought we had beaten the old habit. I thought we were pretty ready to commit to each other. I noticed that he had been frequently in contact with his ex. Which had already caused lots of dramas before. He said he didn’t tell me was because he didn’t want to upset me. Even though they aren’t together anymore, she remains important to him. He didn’t want to stop being friends with her. I said I could accept that. But he needs to draw a line with her, and let her know he was in a relationship. He said he would if he felt sure about our relationship. He chose to break up.
I have tried to contact him after one month, and two months. I tried to asked him wether he made the choice because he really thought what we had was not worth him setting boundaries with his ex, or was he scared of getting close agan. he has not replied to any of my messages since then. I felt really hurt. I know I have to respect and accept his choice. But I missed him terribly. I felt so sad. That we didn’t even get to say goodbye. We came back from a nice trip. Then the next day he completely disappear from life..
Sue
Ow, Sue! Bad, painful. I realized, somewhere in the 1980s that as I grew older there would be lots of losses in my life. I’d lose my parents, I’d already lost the relationship with my first wife, I’d lost my dream of giving my children an intact set of parents, etc. etc. From that came the awareness that a useful skill would be the ability to grieve, to metabolize loss, to prepare myself for moving on past the pain. I hadn’t been taught how to grieve as a kid, so I learned. Damn useful skill. I recommend it, highly. (Here’s a link to a good book on the subject of grieving.)
With this guy, all you can do is decide when to give up waiting for him. I wrote a paper on this called When to Fold ‘Em.
Then follow the notes in my letter to Linda, which I’ll copy here. 1) Take care of yourself. 2) Make a decision about how long you can wait and send notes (When to Fold ‘Em). 3) When you reach the end time, let him go, thoroughly grieve the losses including the losses of you hopes with him, and 4) then proceed to find someone new to pursue Vintage Love with. If he shows up while you are doing this, reconsider. That’s the best I got.
Hi Al,
My question relates to a platonic relationship, but I hope you might help. I’ve had a close male friend for a few years now. its a mutually rewarding friendship and is very important to me.
We met through a joint social activity, clicked and have been in constant contact since. About 2 months ago I developed feelings for him, and thought he might feel the same way. Instead of bringing it up I became increasingly uncertain, stressed and needy of attention/reassurance, and he started drawing away. He is ostensibly a laid back person, but tends to be quite ‘closed off’ about emotional issues. He has no romantic experience (none sexually) bar one ‘horrible, demanding’ ex.
Ten days ago I asked him on a date. He said he couldn’t as he couldn’t give me the commitment I deserved and didn’t want to lead me on. I was sad but felt relief at having my uncertainty removed. I’m good friends with two exes so saw no reason we couldn’t stay friends with work on my part to move on. I asked if ‘we’ were fine. He said all was well, that he was glad I’d been upfront.
Next day I sent him a brief message. No reply. I messaged him the next day but not since. In ten days he has not contacted me. I think I’ve frightened him into retreat. I would like to know what I can do, considering that I am unlikely to bump into him ‘around’. Is there a way to restore his feeling of safety in our interactions?
I think he is either ‘freaking out’, or is afraid if he shows signs of friendship he will be ‘leading me on’. Is it okay to send him a letter saying I respect and accept his standpoint and feel able to be his friend without ‘getting the wrong idea’? I’m worried that if we leave it too long, misunderstanding will cause a greater rift. An upside of this is that I found your website which has made me aware of the work I need to do on my clinginess and how I interact with others, especially those I regard romantically!
Dear Rose, thanks for introducing this as about a Platonic relationship. I don’t think I’ve commented on them before just because they simply seem to follow the “rules” of long-term relationships. Calling it Platonic doesn’t seem to make much difference, to me. So as you want to solve this problem, just go ahead and read any of my stuff. Maybe start with the Map of Relationship and then, cuz he’s pulling away, look at Reliable Membership and When to Fold ‘Em.
Remember that his behavior makes sense to him and and you probably can’t use your sense, what makes sense to you, to understand him. A great clue is the one about his Ex. Sounds as if he is ok in the uncomitted/unchained mode but fears “them chains”. Tis like trying to talk a deer to come out or the forest to feed from your hand in your back yard, after it was mauled badly by dogs at the neighboring house. A long project of developing his trust after betrayal.
Your first goal is to get and keep him chatting with you.
Hi Al,
Thanks for getting back to me. I can totally see what you mean by your analogy of the deer etc, and know that this is going to take time, but I am finding it difficult to understand how someone can undergo an apparent personality alteration overnight. I’ve had a look at some of the articles you recommended, also some more on the lizard idea, all of which were really helpful but sadly as he still refuses to have any contact with me, I am finding it hard to put anything into practice. I left it a week before contacting him again and have since sent him a message (no questions, no heavy stuff) but have had no reply, though I am not overly surprised. I was wondering if there is a specific way in which its best to get him to start chatting to me (address the problem head on and explain exactly where I’m coming from? keep it super casual? Invite him to share what’s going on in his head? Topics that interest him?) or is it best at this stage to withdraw a bit and hope he might come out of it by himself? Is there a time limit on how long someone can be in freeze/flight mode or can this persist indefinitely if not addressed? I am aware that my feelings for him are making this worse for me but I know that in time, when I am ‘over him’ I would still regret losing his friendship in this way.
Thanks, rose
Well, Rose, I’ve got a couple of thoughts.
As far as someone undergoing an “apparent personality alteration overnight.” Generally people don’t, but may look like it and thus you added the word “apparent”. My guess is that if you had known this guy better, you could have even predicted when he made the change you saw. So the question for me is what caused you be be surprised and unaware. Couple of thoughts on that: you can sometimes live in a fantasy world and thus be abit blind; he plays his cards very very close to his vest and you didn’t see it; or a combination of both. My guess is that he faked it enough to seem nice while keeping the painful stuff hidden, and finally it’s come out – all that painful history with his ex and before. I believe it is always good to move beyond fantasies and hidden stuff into the arena of “it’s all out in the open.”
Now, let’s look at that question of “how long can a person stay in freezing?” My guess is you somehow scared the shit out of him. Not by intent. Maybe you reminded him of his ex- or his personal nightmares. So the question is how long does you cat stay up a tree if the wolves stay running around its foot – forever.
For you the goal is to seek to come across as a person who is safe to him and his fears. He spoke of commitment. Well, for me that word is often used by men (and women) instead of the word “trap.” My guess is he’s fearing the cage. Your direction to go is a) to see this through is eyes, and b) make yourself into a lifetime cage-opener. You want him, if he feels trapped, to come running to you. This is all doable.
Good luck.
Hi Al. My partner who left without notice (I didn’t notice it coming!) returned after a few weeks, after I used the method you suggested. He is in the process of moving back in with us. I am working on becoming a source of safety to him. He was a pot head once (last used 2 years ago) and he now works a 12 step program for it, and I find his lizard very reactive. This can lead to me “walking on eggshells”. However, since I have been trying to make myself a source of safety, and with his newly found goodwill, I see a difference in the relationship.
The problem is that I am trying to “let it begin with me”, knowing that you said it takes one to make a relationship and two to make a divorce (I think you said this). As my partner begins to share his secrets with me, from his new sense of hope and safety, he isn’t able to keep me feeling safe. The sharing doesn’t leave me safe. I think it is because it is a surprise, and the thoughts and actions aren’t current. I am left wondering what he is hiding next. My lizard is going crazy, utterly mad, whilst I am becoming a source of safety to him. And if I express that, he can’t help or hold it because he moves back into unsafe and I am afraid he will run, hurt me, or repeat the same behaviours (lizard stuff). I find I am in lizard mode all the time when I’m with him, he has become so unsafe to me. There are short times when I see that he feels safer so I feel safer and it all calms down. But most frequently I am behaving like a safe person, but inside i am ready to run, I am acting “as if” and hoping the safety feedback loop will eventually increase.
My question to you Al is please could you tell me how to keep my own lizard safe? How can I calm it down so that I can function and eat, and stop feeling so reactive? How can I become your old cat in the garden of squirrels?
My thinking says it may be a combination of taking time outs ( but I then panic all on my own and it just doesn’t stop), spending time with people from my alanon fellowship for validation, making boundaries to protect myself (though I want to make barbed wire fences and electrocute him in the worst of the moments) and ??
I am rather stumped by this, though the answer may be clear. I can’t presently ask for more from him. He is an avoider, easily overloaded, and holds a lot of resentments when “too much” is asked from him. He could run again if I can’t find a way to make myself safe (lizard fears but true).
Thank you Al.
I like your questions. “If I am trying to be a source of Safety to him, how to I manage my Lizard that freaks.” I struggled with the same difficulty. So, obviously, I pretty well solved it sometime. But what did I do?
I looked pretty closely at what was scaring my Lizard. Surprise was one thing. I could often handle a simple surprise, but often someone’s story might have a bunch of surprises. What is a surprise but “some information that I wasn’t expecting.” Second time I heard it, it would not be a surprise. I began to realize how sheltered my life had been and that if I expanded my experiences fewer things would be a surprise. I began to hunt for out-of-my-box experiences. Books helped. Movies helped. Expecting the unexpected became useful. Reminding myself as someone told their story that “they made sense all the time” and that their experience (which was a surprise to me) was normal to them. Seeking to grasp their way of seeing things and adding/grafting that other perspective to my already gained experience really helped. Eventually I came to enjoy surprises. That means to me my Lizard had started to trust my Cortex’s ability to deal with new situations.
That also all led me to distinguishing between my Lizard and my Cortex. Sure my Lizard is pretty powerful but also predictable. In fact, cuz my Lizard loves predictability, my ability to see my Lizard as predictable helped it relax. Every time I said to myself, “Of course my Lizard reacts to that!” then my Lizard would settle down abit. Cool, huh.
And everything my Lizard sees either originates in my Cortex (memory) or is passed through my Cortex from my senses. In a way, my Cortex is the department upstairs that takes care of, that can intervene with, my Lizard. My Cortex is in charge. Now Boundary Skills are mostly learned by the Cortex. If my Boundary Skills are good, then anyone can do anything in front of me and my Lizard will stay calm. That’s a clue as to whether I need to learn better skills.
So when you say “you find his Lizard reactive”, you are also saying that his Cortex isn’t very well trained in Boundary Skills to protect him. When you say, “you are “walking on eggshells” is probably means your Lizard doesn’t have confidence in your Cortex’s ability to deal safely with what is going on. It was one of the coolest things I learned with Sandra, that I could not “fake” being Safe in the process of becoming a Source of Safety. I had to “be safe”/Lizard relaxed in order to be a Source of Safety to her. Her Lizard would pick up my “faking” and feel doubly unsafe.
So the process is to find/define/practice skills that deal with anything your partner does, deals with it by keeping your Lizard relaxed. Your Lizard is your job, not his. His Lizard is his job, not yours. But as his friend, you can help – what I call Becoming a Source of Safety.
Boundary Skills: Fear he will leave you. Teach yourself that you can live if he leaves, just that it won’t be easy. Fear he will talk too fast. Learn to kick into Mirroring. Fear he will get mad. Teach yourself to encourage him to express anger safely. Know when his expression is getting a bit strong and work on Mirroring. Know when his expression is getting too strong for Mirroring and take a Time Out. Know when his expression is too strong for Time Outs and call 911. Always take care of your Lizard.
Good luck.
I have recently experienced the full impact of not sharing in a relationship.
Seven months ago after much help from your website, my leaving/avoider partner came back after six months apart. He came back with words of hope and how he didn't want to shut down on me anymore. He wanted to lean on me in times of stress and talked of us moving in together. I felt that we could get through anything this time and that there would be skills to navigate the tough stuff. I gave space and reigned in my clinginess. When we talked abut serious items I attempted to pull and invite. I thought I was gentle and patient. But I missed his tea leaves again. Unfortunately he left again, only this time he left silently with no words spoken almost a month ago.
I am left to try and piece together what happened. He is a pot head and an avoider. I see this as a dangerous combination. I think he avoids to not hurt my feelings. I think he avoids my emotions. We had a conversation where I said it feels like you don't tell me things to avoid hurting me and he said very believably and almost emotionally "I never want to hurt you". It feels as if he gives up our relationship to avoid any uncomfortableness.
I have come a long way from our first break up. I would say my clinginess went from a 95 to a 10 so I am "surprised" that he did leave silently. I could fully understand if he wasn't happy or felt our second chance wasn't working. I would have let go graciously and been happy that at least we tried. Sometimes I wonder if he feels guilty for coming back only to leave again. But I don't share my theories with him. I am getting comfortable with the idea that if he ever wants to share what was going on he will. But I admit he has broken my trust by choosing to leave silently but as you say it made sense to him. I hope to one day see that sense, even if its to just grow from it as a person.
But his choices are "his stuff" and I am learning to not take them personally. I will continue on my path of learning and taking care of my stuff.
Good lessons on the troubles caused by “not sharing.” I still tend to think that the closer a couple, the more they need candid conversation with each other. Without it, big surprises and betrayals seem common. And that’s not safety.
To me, if you want to be relaxed about someone leaving, you want to know about it, in the planning stages, far (months) ahead of it happening. And so when a leaving does happen, I think it is useful to learn how and why secrets were a) being kept, b) secrecy was not noticed, c) and how this “lousy” communication system was not being fixed. A goal would be to fix this situation next time. Of course you can’t fix what you don’t notice.
By the way, this topic (secrecy) is the one area where pot seems to be a big problem. While marijuana probably won’t kill you, it sure can create great barriers to an intimate relationship. My suggestion is that if you want a great relationship, quit the pot.
Great info! I really enjoy this site – especially as a professional. You've got a lot of good stuff on here.