Directions to Go
Directions, Directions!
On this page I would like to give you possible choices of starting points and paths to follow. If you write me with questions, I'll be glad to add a more personal path for your needs. This page is a work in progress.
One way to start is by reading or listening to the Map of Relationship. This can be a great help just helping you see the framework for your efforts. For a short version of this essay, click here.
Some people have enjoyed starting out by reading the One Liners I have collected. These are a series of one line reminder phrases that I have personally used to help me unlearn the terrible teachings I received as a kid, and to replace them with strong lessons that contain relationship wisdom. Often these phrases have served as a point to distinguish between Traditional Marriage/Family values and Vintage Love values. You might want to read them until you find a phrase that leaps out at you, that disturbs you, that bothers your held beliefs. I suggest you then read the related article and learn in what way that One Liner is valuable. For my One Liners, click here.
For other people, who really like structure, who want to construct the building from the basement up, I wrote the article Where do you start? What goes first? This was an attempt of reflect the priority of topics that I have found useful. My truth is that you have to work on all of these skills at same time, but some seem more foundational. For this article, click here.
And still other people want to look at their problem, the one that is right in their face, first. Perhaps you might do a search of the words that come to mind. Under the Links at the right, you will find a Search of words on my site.
Let's see what category you are in? Everyone is somewhere!
Single, never in a relationship – Map
Single, once more – split/divorced at least once – Map
On your own – Map
Dating and happy – “Go away and have fun. Come back when you are in trouble. Don’t wait too long.”
Married over two years, with a problem or two or three.
Partner won't talk, avoids you. – Reliable Membership, Master/Slave, Safety
Partner is always in your face – Reliable Membership, Master/Slave, Safety, TimeOuts
Arguments – Autonomy, Master/Slave, Safety, TimeOuts
Anger outbursts – Autonomy, Master/Slave, Feelings, Safety, TimeOuts
Crying outbursts – Feelings, Safety, Validation
Criticism – Diversity, Control
Bossiness – Diversity, Control, Autonomy
Lateness or Forgetful – Master/Slave, Feelings.
Irresponsibility – Master/Slave, Boundaries
Married: not happy – Map, Safety
Married: partner addicted.– Boundaries, Story: Old Dog
Married: partner having an affair – Map, and “to be written”
Married: thinking of or moving toward leaving– Map
Married: partner thinking of or moving toward leaving – Things to do.
Partner did something surprising, “out of the blue.” – People make Sense.
I have organized my Relationship materials by the following topics in the Menu at the right side of the main page and of all article or subject pages. It is my belief that when two people become practitioners of the Biological Dream Skills and when they remove or repair the damage that occurred in each person’s history/childhood, they become Vintage Lovers and achieve the goal that all people desire. So here are the areas: Safety, Reliable Membership, Diversity, Autonomy, Purpose, Boundaries, Communication, Emotional Maturity, and Healing.
These skills are all relational – they have no meaning when you are alone. You can only learn them with another person. Fortunately, nature wants to bond each of us to a perfect study partner. Such a partner is usually equally bright, equally messed up or crazy, and equally interested in a better relationship. “If you fell in love, and are now fighting, you are probably with the right person” – the right person to learn all this with, the perfect study partner. Another way of saying it is that if you fell in love, and they are now driving you crazy, all is well. Get to work, start learning. If you had these skills, there would be nothing but fun. When you have these skills there will be nothing but fulfillment. That is my belief.
Main Page
Relationships
Map
Five PrimarySkills
Safety
Reliable Membership
Diversity
Autonomy
Purpose (to be written)
Critical Skills
Communication
Boundaries
Feelings
Healing
Dear Nancy,
If I were to spend time in my office with you, I still would not know which or whichever direction you should go. I would not know whether maybe you should just go back to sleep and pretend nothing is going on. All that is for you to decide. Use your counselor to think and talk through your plans.
The way I look at it, any way you go is “RIGHT”. Either you are going to look back on your decision and say, “Wow, I'm glad I chose that.” or you will look back and say, “Wow, I sure learned a lesson from that mistake.” Either way you win.
I can share where I would focus: safety and commitment. I would plan out anything you do with your physical and emotional safety in mind – and his. Safety and trust are the same thingy. If you wanna move toward more safety, you gotta move toward more trust. The articles I've shared with you have the principles and details.
Confronting him can easily be seen as a move toward more sharing and toward more trust and away from habitual lying that both of you do. It can also be seen as a kind of attack and a way to vent your perfectly understandable anger and resentment (at yourself and him). I like the venting part – but doing it safely. I don't value the “attack” part. Trading him calling you a little kid for acting like an angry parent doesn't seem like a good deal. I do love the movement toward more truthfulness and safety.
Commitment is the bigger issue. By what stretch of the imagination do you believe that either of you display commitment toward anything other than a shallow partnership of living together? I don't know if he wants a marriage of depth. Maybe he's happy with you and his other play friends. Maybe that is the kind of marriage he wants. Maybe you want that too. That is ultimately a question for you to answer – each day.
Take a look at my Map of Relationships. Do you want Vintage Love? Then commit to it and work for it. It takes only one. If he wants to come along that would be a bonus. My stuff is all about the practical and theoretical steps to achieve that.
Good luck.
Dear Al,
Thank you so much for replying promptly. I have ordered the book and read some of the articles you recommended. I will continue to learn. There are many concepts that are new and unfamiliar to me.
I have been seeing a counselor on my own. My partner is not willing to seek counseling together with me. He thinks that I have been brainwashed but I disagree. He views my changes, such as trying to be more independent, as foolish rebellion like a teenager. I think that I am more of a Slave, although I do speak like a Master at times. I think that I am very lacking in boundary skills and communication skills, so our conversation almost always turns into arguments. Is it a good idea to somehow get him to read the recommended book and articles? It seems awfully hard to grow alone without his active participation.
The biggest issue is indeed TRUST. I could not believe that I was so blind. I easily accepted his lies over so many years. After knowing how well he can lie and manipulate people, I found myself constantly questioning his words, his actions, and motivations behind them, wondering whether they are genuine or just another way of manipulating me.
I also withhold my own truth to him. After discovering his 8-year affair with someone we both know, I spent several months on secretly playing a detective to figure out what-was-going-on. I stopped doing it because I think that it was an unhealthy behavior and a tremendous waste of my time and energy. My time may be better spent on growing myself. I only questioned him some of the things I found but not all.
On the one hand, I want to confront him with ALL of the information I had gathered about the affair. There are specifics that he does not realize that I have found out, and I really want to know whether my interpretation is right. On the other hand, I hope that he would tell me the whole truth himself. In my opinion, he needs to do that if he is willing to save our marriage. In this case, I could also check his words against what I know to see whether he is still lying. However, this seems to be a foolish hope because people say that most cheaters lie to the very end. I am torn between the two. Sometimes I think about becoming a detective again to figure out whether he is still having affairs or not.
In your opinion, which would be the more constructive way to proceed? I think that both of us don't feel safe with each other at this point. Thank you so much.
Sadly,
Nancy
Dear Nancy,
Thanks for reminding me of that “missing article.” It goes on my to-do list, but because you are asking, I'll share a bit now.
I imagine that the reason I haven't added to this is that Affairs are such a common problem that they have been written about over and over. Here's a good reference for reading material. Back from Betrayal: Saving a Marriage, a Family, a Life
My thinking is that there are two great sources of information that arise from affairs. This stuff must be shared.
1) The issue of TRUST will become a specialty for both members of the relationship. Rebuilding trust can take years.
2) The nature of the affair leads to vast amounts of information about the “affairing partner” that was not being shared. It now must be shared. Again a huge issue of trust-yet-to-be-developed.
To build Trust I think you need to get rid of any habits of lying and accepting lies. I suggest my articles on To be safe you must share, and How much should you tell,. Then I think you need to have the whole Lizard and the stuff on Caring Behaviors that follows. And finally you are gonna have to absorb all the stuff on Resentments,, Healing the Past, and then get to work.
Best of luck.
Hi Al,
I visited your site in 1/2008. I liked it very much and read many articles. However, I could not find articles on the topic related my situation: Married: partner having an affair. A year and half later, both I and my partner are thinking of or moving toward leaving. It seems to me awfully hard to save the marriage after infidelity. It hurts so much to think about ending our relationship after knowing each other for 22 years. Could you finish the articles on what to do and how to heal after an affair? Or could you give me some hints on the directions to go? I would truly appreciate it.
Nancy
How do you know when it's time to give up on a marriage and just move on? I am completely numb. The things that were once important to me in this relationship aren't now. I no longer seem to want anything from it, or to give any more to it. I started to feel this way about a year ago, when my husband announced he was leaving me. He didn't leave. I thought I was off balance, feeling insecure and would work my out of it, but I'm not. The more soul searching I do, the more I just feel alienated and apathetic.