Map of Relationships (Full Version Script) Part VII
Section 7: Final Points (CLICK HERE to print entire Map.)
© Al Turtle 2006
Change in my attitude
When I finally figured out the Map of Relationship I experienced a great attitude change. I now really like lovers. I used to make fun of puppy love or infatuation. But now I see young people fully alive to the potential of the Biological Dream. I tend to like the view through their eyes.
I now really like people who are getting a divorce. I used to think of them, and myself, as failures. But now I see them as people who are determined to make it to Vintage Love, and who are refusing to Give-Up. I like those who are learning, taking courses, studying and trying. They are on their way. People like Oprah are a great help. They are my allies.
I’m not too happy with those who’ve chosen Door #2 – those who Give-Up. Sadly they often discourage those who want Vintage Love. And yet, I see them as potential lovers, temporarily lost. I want them to awaken.
I love children. They are fully alive to the Biological Dream, though they may not know it. Their dreams are most wonderful.
The Three times
The Map of Relationships lets me see the three chances we humans have to reach for the Biological Dream – to become fully alive.
At birth, we all awaken to it as a dream. We expect our caretakers to be people who are Relationally Mature, who will care for us in a Biologically Real way. Most of us are dis-appointed. Whenever we fall in love, we awaken once more to the hope of living the Biological Dream. And finally, if we persevere, we can learn our way to Vintage Love, where we live in the Biological Real world. And then we are the kind of people children expect to meet when they are born.
Three Chances
And now I can say what I have always wanted to say. Romantic Love is real and wonderful and…. Possible! The dream within Romantic Love is forever. Realizing that dream, making it real, is doable – just work. Instead of celebrating the romance of marriage so much, I wish we could learn to celebrate the courageous decision to Go For It, and enter Door #1, and to work through the University of Life. And in making the Romantic Dream real, we
all make the world a better place. There is the hand of some great genius in this. This I believe. This is my faith.
The Future
I often wonder what the future will be like – where we all are heading. Many people think the world is kind of falling apart, but I see in this change the rise of fully healthy living in connection. The Biological Dream is attempting to re-emerge all over the world in every committed relationship. I see that movement as much more powerful than politics as it crosses all country and economic lines. The wonderful yearning for Romantic Love, I think carries with it a positive virus, the Biological Dream – a virus that is slowly but surely changing the world for the better.
Right now, I meet Vintage Lovers who are often shy and socially fairly quiet. But their numbers are growing. At some time they will become visible enough to powerfully invite others to join them. Then I think that future will really begin to appear.
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A future where threat is not the basis for relationship or a part of communication.
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A future where there are no outsiders – where everyone belongs.
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A future where different opinions are treasured and preserved as a natural course of things.
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A future where each person participates, responsibly – making decisions that are honored.
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A future where every unique person contributes to each community the unique genius that they are born with.
Wishes for You
In my first comments today I spoke of my wishes for you, the listener. What I wanted for you is that you could see what is going on in our many struggles for intimate relationships. I wanted you to understand how you got where you are, how it makes sense that you are there. I hope you can see more clearly now. What I wanted for you is that you would reawaken that magnificent dream that infuses romantic love. I want you to Go 4 It. I want to you choose wisely which way to go. I want you to stop wasting time. I want you to move efficiently in a direction that works. I want you to see more clearly the options ahead of you. I want you to determinedly Go 4 It.
As you understand where you are and where you are going, I hope that you can reach out and help others along the way. I want you to feel confident that as you Go 4 It for yourself, you are also helping to build a better world, founded on stronger, wiser marriages and relationships that raise healthier, more mature, children. What I want for you is that you feel confident that as you Go 4 It for your self, you are learning to be an example for all people around you of getting along, and thus building a world of peace.
Thank you for contributing to more Relationship Maturity in this weary world. And Thank you so much for joining me on this trip, today. May our shared Biological Dream guide you in every wonderful way.
END
Al, this is such a good reading material. I have searching the internet for something like this and I am thankful I found yours. I am going through the same thing.
It seems like my husband of 5 yrs. lost the hope of reaching the biological dream. We are leaving away from each other. I went back to my birthplace with my family and left him at home. We are oceans apart. He asked for divorce. Our home now is currently on the market. We have no kids and I am a housewife.
I used to believe that we are very happy. We live simply enjoying whatever comes our way. Out problems started with my in laws. It's been 2 or 3 yrs we stopped our communication with them. And last yr my husband decided to reconcile with them. That's when things started going wrong for us. Lack of communication.
Everything is stuck inside my husband's chest until he finally blew up and decided this is it! "I don't love you anymore and I want to be single again." I tried my best to be patient, understanding and change. I communicate the best I can in spite of all the rejections. He said he feels chocked around me and so I decided to finally leave and give him space. I still want this marriage to work and I don't want to give up hope. I just pray. What can I do?
Thanks, KC, for the kind words. Most people come to my site with the kind of troubles you describe. The article “What to do when he/she leaves” still seems like a good starting place. You’ve tried everything you know, so now is the time for learning a bunch of things you don’t know. Because you were the one to make the break officially, then you have some time. You don’t have to turn around his moving away, but you have to learn lots of stuff. Check out my article on Using Turtle Logic. It has some framework and a bunch of hints and directions to move.
Cuz you’ve tried a lot it is now time to look more closely. Not enough to say “communication is a problem.” Tis time to find out what parts of communication bring up the problems, “Stuck in his chest” kinda suggests that the “garden” where you talk has gots lots of thorn for him, so he lays low. Gotta change and get rid of them thorns.
If he feels choked around you, could be he feels choked around everyone or just you. (He won’t talk?)
Lots to look at. Remember he still wants Vintage Love. He just probably thinks he can’t get it with you cuz you won’t change. Just cuz he’s gotten “hopeless” ain’t a reason to give up – become hopeless yourself. So do a bunch of changing and throw his thinking off.
I just lost my other half/my best friend/the love of my life a few weeks before Christmas (2013). He has had a pattern of being manipulated by his daughter (she uses the grandbaby to do this) and then saying he is going to leave. Since he keeps saying it, I go ahead and leave. The first time this happened he was at my new apartment the next day begging me to break my lease and come home. I did. A few years later, he told me to move out (because I was upset that his grown children were bringing illegal drugs into our house). At that time, he moved out. Six months later I moved back in with him (after he got his kids under control). Right before Thanksgiving 2013 he went with his daughter, out of town, to spend the weekend with his grandson. A few weeks later he said our relationships just wasn’t going to work out. We had been having financial problems due to me going to school and not working. I wasn’t working because he had moved us to a school district that my children didn’t attend and I had to take and pick up plus do my own school work. In the end he told me “Our relationship has dwindled into nothing but you are my best friend.” and “I love you but not enough to marry you”. This after being together for five years. I have now moved back to Texas and he is in Alabama. He has completely shut me out of his life. Everyone says I should just move on. I miss him so much. I’m trying not to reach out to him because the few times that I have he doesn’t take my calls or return my texts and I can’t handle or understand how he can reject me like that. I know that he still loves me and my children. I also know that in his heart he knows that we are the ONLY people on this earth who have truly loved and cared for him. He was neglected and abused as a child. His children only want a relationship for how they can use him or how he can help them. They resented my kids and I because he spent his money on us and not them and because they could tell that we truly cared for him. What should I do?
This could take a long answer and I’m not in a place (Mexico, poor internet here) to respond. Perhaps we should chat after I get back.
Sounds like very normal and really painful Power Struggle where families and codependency are involved. From my point of view, the good news is you both seem nicely “stubborn.” Lots of my website is written for you two. Growing into self-esteem is important. Manipulation and giving into manipulation is all about that Codependency stuff – read the Master/Slave papers. And the manipulator and manipulatee are equally needy of learning, perhaps the manipulatee a bit more. Good luck.
A month ago, my wife and dearest friend of 28 years told me that she needed to seperate. She moved out and we are now living apart. I have been seeing a counselor who is very good, but I continue to look for information on my own. When I found your website, I started reading a few articles. I cannot stop reading. This is helping me to deal with the loneliness and hurt that I have been feeling since the split. I am learning through your articles and information that it is not what I have done to her that has caused this. Rather it is life itself and the complete history of both of our lives that has put us where we are. My goal is that through our seperation will be able to find a way to work toward the Vintage Love that you have discussed. Thank you for sharing and I look forward to reading more.
Thank you SO much for having the courage to break new ground and developing something new out of your personal experiences; the world is so full of books and websites which label people with illnesses and personality disorders, no one ever remembers that we are here to evolve and that trials, fears and mistakes are part of the process. Among all the wise things you say, one thing stroke me especially; “The ideal person to help you heal is the one who created the wound. However, I believe the mind is able to accept a reasonable facsimile of the original wounding person. Fortunately, you will always fall in love with a reasonable facsimile.” This goes against what any selfhelp book tells you; “…you gotta grow up, break the old patterns and meet someone different”… but no. The prize is not just to be loved, the prize is to learn, and evolve. Ive found your theory refreshingly positive, deeply wise and very, very close to the innermost desires of us humans.
With deep respect. Thank you. R
Dear Kate,
Thanks for the note. I believe everyone has the right to feel connected and loved. Of course nothing seems free and people can't get this without working at it. I think it is never too late to learn and grow. Go for it!