What to do when he/she won’t talk to you.
Assuming you want to chat with them.
© Al Turtle 2005
Amazingly this is a very common occurrence, and there is something you can do. I am particularly familiar with this as I am the kind of guy who can talk with someone about intimate subjects for 60 hours, or more, straight. I can drive everyone crazy, and they didn't use to want to talk with me much. (Also check out my papers on Reliable Membership and on the Testicle Principle.)
Rule: People won't talk cuz they don't feel safe to.
This is a pretty simple and very reliable rule. I suggest you learn it. I have found it helps when I want someone to talk to me and they won't. What is typical for me is to try to push them to talk. I had tried thousands of ways, it seemed. My ways never worked. So finally I accepted the idea that "pushing doesn't work." Of course many of my pushing techniques were very tricky and subtle. Still my partner could instantly see, or feel through me and see my pushing. It just didn't work.
Thus my first task is to start to help them feel safe. I have found this is both very difficult and easy. Making anyone feel anything is pretty near impossible. They will feel what they chose to feel, darn them. Still there are lots of things that trigger a sense of safety in a person. And there are lots of things that tend to make a person feel unsafe. Find 'em. Remove 'em.
So let's look at the situation you are in. Someone won't talk to you. Is it that they won't talk to anyone about anything? Or is it that they won't talk to you, personally? These are very different situations, and you have to ask yourself which it is.
If they won't talk to anyone about anything, it may be quite difficult to get them to talk. Somehow they have probably learned to be unsafe with everyone. Could easily be that this comes directly from when they were little. You have to work to overcome that. It's still possible, just difficult and may take a long time with a lot of patience. (Of course, if this is your partner, you picked them. And this problem is part of your personal challenge in life.)
If they won't talk with just you, I think the situation is easier. Here's the thought. You are doing things or have done things, probably lots of things, that tend to make them feel unsafe. You probably don't know what these things are, but these are actions you "can change." What you are doing does not work for you.
Now, remember, what you do is normal for you. You have to identify what those things are that you do, and learn to replace your behaviors with something better – something that works. Sure this can be difficult, but it is your behavior and therefore you can change it. You have this power. (To understand the issues of Safety, click here for many articles.)
Principle #1: Develop and Demonstrate Patience
Probably the first thing you need is to send the message that "you can wait." That means you need to learn patience. Now before you decide that this is hopeless, just remember that patience is a set of skills. Patience is a learned thing. All children are born "impatient." That's normal. It is also normal for us to learn "patience," when we grow up. It is kind of like learning to tie your shoes laces. But some people have not learned patience — YET.
Patience is the habit of comfort when things don't happen at the pace you desire. Easiest way to learn patience is to spend a large amount of time in a slow situation with people who are already very patient. You can learn it by example. Ask others how they learned it. You can also take courses in Meditation, Yoga, and many east Asia disciplines. Practice it.
I still practice intentionally missing traffic lights. If the light is green, I may slow a little. If it turns yellow, I really try to stop. And then I practice enjoying the "tiny vacation" I get while the light is red.
Principle #2: Invite, instead of Push
This is pretty straight forward. Learn to never ask questions. Invite instead. It sounds like this. "I was wondering about something you did the other day. If you ever figure out what was going on for you when you did that, I'd love to hear about it. In the meantime, let's have dinner." Notice how these are all statements with no question mark at the end of them. Many people feel pushed by questions. Just being asked a question often feels like an attack. So, just don't do it. (To understand the issue of Pushing, click here.)
Principle #3: Gently Listen
Wow, is this one valuable! I suggest you show only moderate eagerness when listening, but invite them to say anything they want. Never interrupt. Never add more questions. Just listen and encourage them to say it all. Accept whatever they say. Never, never, never argue. Learn Mirroring so as to help train yourself to relax while listening to anything they say.
I love how your original blog is from 2005, and you are still answering comments! And you have some valuable advice. My conundrum…
I had a wonderful 8 month relationship with a caring and responsive woman, who has 3 children and was only out of her long term relationship for 6 months before dating me. It was a bit of a whirlwind, and we fell for each other quite deeply. I did not foresee that she was replacing the loss of her 10 year relationship with me, and she was very sensitive to any hesitation on my part to create a new life together. About a week before she broke up with me she was professing her love and wanting to live together. I agreed but said I would like to take it slow to make sure it worked.
Then, out of the blue she called me and asked for a break, which at the time I agreed to. This was ostensibly because she felt I was not being committed enough, wheras I felt I was just being naturally cautious to not disrupt the lives of both her and her children. She made it sound like a short break to begin with, but as days turned into weeks, I got more desperate to discuss our situation, which she flatly refused. Then she took it to the next level by saying that because I did not respect her wishes it was over, and that I should not contact her. This was all over two months ago, and I have felt for the entire time, she did not give me one opportunity to communicate and show any compassion between us.
She has refused to talk about any of the emotions between us, will not allow me to discuss anything with her, saying we already have. It is completely frustrating. I have asked for a time to sit and talk calmly over a cup of tea, but she refuses. I have written to her, and received only trite replies. I have said I cannot expect to re-establish the relationship, it takes two to tango, I just wish to maintain connection and understanding, to which she says we can be friends one day, but not now.
I actually don’t see us being fiends, after all I see her as my lover, but I do miss her and her children terribly, and the stonewalling just seems like the most immature thing. Without communication we cannot grow, and therefore there is no hope… any suggestions?
Hi there, my friend, I like your conundrum. As I started reading your piece, kept wondering what info is being left out from your story. (I also thought a bit about all the people who read these posts and who could probably contribute many good ideas.) Well, anyway this has got to be painful for you and frustrating. I hear that.
Let’s see. Here’s a partner who has experience (10 or more years and kids, bless her). And she’s “stonewalling you” after 8 months. Those months were wonderful for you and her behavior seemed to you “out of the blue”. (See my paper on Out of the Blue. You can even try Googling “Al Turtle Out of the Blue”. It’s fun to see how strongly Google has searched by blog. I even use Google to find my own quotes.)
So what’s missing? My first guess is you don’t have her point of view. How does she experience you? Remember, She Makes Sense and thus her “stonewalling” is the best she can do at this point. So I’m curious about understanding her, and particularly why she refrains from telling you about it. Do you have experience with other people not sharing with you? That might be a clue. Ask your friends, “What do I do that might make talking to me difficult?” I think there’s a really wonderful lesson in this for you.
In my article Map of Relationships I think I’ve shared that in second relationships, the Power Struggle may come a lot faster. Sounds like that’s what happened here. My guess (and it’s a fairly wild guess) is that she compared you to her first relationship and on one day said, “Omigod, he’s just as bad as my ex-husband!” Falling in love with someone like your first partner is absolutely normal, but dismaying. I get that.
Anyway, keep going and good luck. She sounds like a good one for you. And (I’m with you here) you can’t make much progress if there is no communication. The “person who can leave, has all the power.”
Hi, I had a deep and serious relationship with an extreme introvert that is afraid to have people close to her.
I got super close with her and her family but we got into a big fight and she stopped talking to me.. she refuses to talk about things and won’t see me face to face to talk to me cause she says she doesn’t trust me..
I have given her space, communicated (most times too pushy looking back), but she has read every email and text message i sent and replied to some.
I know i need to give her space and not push, and I am trying that, but how can i make her feel safe talking to me when I can’t communicate to her?
Well, Tony, what a great learning experience. Yup, how do you show that you aren’t the guy “you were” when you can’t communicate at all? A puzzle.
My best solution is that you learn and change what you used to do that you guess scared/scares her and be ready to show how much you’ve changed whenever you can send her messages. Lots to learn, it seems to me. How about learning to talk with people without fighting? How about learning empathy so that you can anticipate her needs for safety and tactic of getting away from you? How about learning why you would be attracted to an “extreme introvert?” There are lessons in each question.
Keep a going, Tony.
Hi Al, thank you for the time and consideration for people that need help, like me.
I had this girlfriend 4 years ago, 5 years younger, and had a long distance relationship with her during a year and a half. It was hard cause she wouldn’t commit with her parents and in the beginning she would get fearful of loosing me, etc… All the hardships that come with distance, but showed that she liked me…
Eventually with time things would cool down and it would get to a point where I would have to almost make her fall in love again with me every time we could be together.
I managed to move to the same island as her just to be closer to her and I remember one of her close friends or brother’s girlfriend saying she never saw her so happy.
But then again things cooled off because I was still not in the same area and the parents still clueless. I tried so many times to get together, to no avail. But I never gave up no matter how desperate.
Eventually after 4 or 5 months trying to see her, she broke up with me with one or two text messages, don’t remember. I also had issues at the time of lack of self confidence and a grandfather on a terminal stage of Alzheimer. A week later she was with another guy, blocked me off her Facebook and not a single word ever since.
Eventually, 6 months later, I got a much better girlfriend who wanted to be with me all the time, loving, caring, all the things you see when someone likes you. However deep inside I would think about my ex. I really liked the current girlfriend I had at the time so I tried my best not to let it get to me. But so many times my ex came to mind.
Eventually I found out from a casual talk with a friend of mine that she had broken up not even 8 months later. This stir’d up some feelings inside me, but I was ok.
Next summer I was with my last girlfriend at a beach party when my ex appeared half drunk with her Sister and brother(whom I am Good friends with). Off coarse I couldn’t talk much because I was with my girlfriend like I should and my attention was only hers. But later I found out that while I wasn’t seeing it my ex was behaving a bit jealously like, said a female friend of mine who knew us all. Of coarse with some beers it still stirred up some feelings, but my girlfriend always top priority.
Eventually and kinda recently we, me and my last girlfriend, broke up by mutual agreement.
Problem is I still think about that ex, still have feelings for her when everyone says I shouldn’t. I dunno what to do. Lol. One of my best friends is her sister and husband. I don’t know if she feels anything, or if I have have a chance. I’m kinda lost here, but would like to know if I have a chance? If I should talk to her? I still have her number. I dunno really.
Hi, Andy. Yup, call her.
I really enjoy hearing about the struggles of young relationships ( a – not very long, b – among young people. My perspective is almost 75 years old.) Go 4 it. Learn and investigate. Try not to cause too much pain. Couple of thoughts.
People say a lot of stuff, wise or dumb. It’s for you to figure out which. Telling you to forget your ex is dumb. Our brains ain’t built to forget. And since you really liked her she reminds you of someone really important who you should be glad to recall. I love the phrase, “I love the person I think/dream about, when I meet you.” or in this case “when I think of my ex.” That “fall in love dream person” is very very important, I believe.
Young relationships often seem like kinda clearing the underbrush at a campsite. All about getting the unimportant stuff out of the way and then focusing more and more on the important relationships. Tis a real participation sport, so call her. (Check out my Map of Relationship if you want some background.)
I salute you, Andy.
I am in a relationship that was going well for 3 years and 8 months. On January 15 2017 my boyfriend told me my brother told him to have a good life. I was trying to figure out what was going on and why he felt the way he did. After what now feels like a back and forth argument, he texted me back and said it seemed like I was taking my family’s side.
Then I texted another friend about what was going on. This was on January 16 2017, and I told my friend I felt like my boyfriend was so pissed off, and that he broke up with me. I was texted back by my boyfriend who said why was I telling lies on January 17 2017. I tried to explain what I said to my other friend, who understood what I meant after explaining it to him.
My boyfriend texted me back saying if you do this again, I am going to be so pissed. On January 18 2017 I texted my other friend back about the fact my boyfriend was not answering me or texting me back again. My friend said he would set him straight. I got a text back from my bf asking me what I said to my friend. I told him and he was like stop telling him everything. I text you and he was like this is strike two you know, and he said you better not do it again. He sent me a message asking me if I still wanted a threesome on Friday the 20 of January. I told him I was sorry for my actions and I wrote a strong love/apology letter. I sent him a message saying that I got a job interview on January 21. When we briefly talked on January 18, he told me flatout he wanted to be left alone until the end of the month. I said I will leave you alone and I sent him one single message on January 22nd and January 23rd of 2017.
I did not text him back again until February 2 2017 and I told him I don’t know what to say other than I hope your doing okay and I am truly sorry for fucking up the relationship. I do understand if you don’t want me to text you anymore. But please understand anything I say at this point probably won’t help and I have chosen to put this incident into the past and at this point the ball’s in your court that means you can choose whatever you want and I will understand and respect your decision. In that text message I all but conceded defeat and that I probably wont hear from him every again.
Mark, I am not at all clear about 1) what is going on or 2) if you have a question for me.
I do have one thought. I believe that whenever communication gets unclear, stop using text messaging. Get into face-to-face contact, or at least phone. The chance of misunderstanding is so high with texting, maybe 500 times higher, I believe. I tend to use texting only for setting up meetings or for quick status checks.
I’ve been in a relationship for 6 months. Had its ups and downs, but the biggest issue I have is his friendship with another female. She is much younger than him and they have never had a relationship as a couple. She used to live next door to him. He has helped her out hugely for a couple of years now. Looks after her young son, helps fix her car, helps her move. Lots of things.
The problem I have is he is always trashing her. Calls her all the names under the sun and complains about her all the time. Says he is going to cut her out of his life and then sneaks around helping her out every time she needs something. We have had constant arguments about it. I have met her and she is ok. I just don’t understand why he says one thing and then does the opposite. I’m ready to walk away because all I every hear are his angry outbursts about her.
Its stressing me out. I would like to try and work it out and need some tips on how to handle this situation.
Hi Deana, I think what is going on might be much more about you two than about this other gal. Sounds as if there is something in your communication system that’s causing lots of trouble and will cause more if you two don’t fix it.
A starting point is that “All people make sense all the time.” His behavior (saying one thing and doing another) makes sense – in his world. From your point of view it probably looks as if he’s lying to you, and I think he is. But why? Lying or deceiving is a normal problem that all couples face and either resolve or don’t. Trust is built on getting to share candidly with each other. So any form of withholding will become a trust issue. Fix that.
The one reason that people lie, or deceive each other, is that they don’t experience it as safe to share honestly. So I think you wanna discover what things you do, learned to do, that might make him feel threatened to share. A worthwhile project.
You did share two clues. “We have had constant arguments about it.” Arguing is a symptom of a relationship that is moving forward. It is better than submitting, but it’s just a step on the way. Eventually all the arguing should go away. Some people experience arguing as a horrible problem and thus build and keep secrets so as to avoid the “argument”. But keeping secrets is a problem all it’s own and will lead to no trust. So the solution to arguing has to be something better. Sandra and I haven’t argued since the mid 1990s when we found a solution. I’m very glad.
The second clue was the phrase “angry outbursts”. What’s this temper stuff? People often use temper as a way of bullying people or to resist being bullied. Sounds like you’ve got the old Master/Slave problem between you. Got to solve that one, also.
So at the bottom I think you’ve got a big trust issue to be resolved between you two and maybe a power issue. Just my guesses. Good luck.