What to do when he/she won’t talk to you.
Assuming you want to chat with them.
© Al Turtle 2005
Amazingly this is a very common occurrence, and there is something you can do. I am particularly familiar with this as I am the kind of guy who can talk with someone about intimate subjects for 60 hours, or more, straight. I can drive everyone crazy, and they didn't use to want to talk with me much. (Also check out my papers on Reliable Membership and on the Testicle Principle.)
Rule: People won't talk cuz they don't feel safe to.
This is a pretty simple and very reliable rule. I suggest you learn it. I have found it helps when I want someone to talk to me and they won't. What is typical for me is to try to push them to talk. I had tried thousands of ways, it seemed. My ways never worked. So finally I accepted the idea that "pushing doesn't work." Of course many of my pushing techniques were very tricky and subtle. Still my partner could instantly see, or feel through me and see my pushing. It just didn't work.
Thus my first task is to start to help them feel safe. I have found this is both very difficult and easy. Making anyone feel anything is pretty near impossible. They will feel what they chose to feel, darn them. Still there are lots of things that trigger a sense of safety in a person. And there are lots of things that tend to make a person feel unsafe. Find 'em. Remove 'em.
So let's look at the situation you are in. Someone won't talk to you. Is it that they won't talk to anyone about anything? Or is it that they won't talk to you, personally? These are very different situations, and you have to ask yourself which it is.
If they won't talk to anyone about anything, it may be quite difficult to get them to talk. Somehow they have probably learned to be unsafe with everyone. Could easily be that this comes directly from when they were little. You have to work to overcome that. It's still possible, just difficult and may take a long time with a lot of patience. (Of course, if this is your partner, you picked them. And this problem is part of your personal challenge in life.)
If they won't talk with just you, I think the situation is easier. Here's the thought. You are doing things or have done things, probably lots of things, that tend to make them feel unsafe. You probably don't know what these things are, but these are actions you "can change." What you are doing does not work for you.
Now, remember, what you do is normal for you. You have to identify what those things are that you do, and learn to replace your behaviors with something better – something that works. Sure this can be difficult, but it is your behavior and therefore you can change it. You have this power. (To understand the issues of Safety, click here for many articles.)
Principle #1: Develop and Demonstrate Patience
Probably the first thing you need is to send the message that "you can wait." That means you need to learn patience. Now before you decide that this is hopeless, just remember that patience is a set of skills. Patience is a learned thing. All children are born "impatient." That's normal. It is also normal for us to learn "patience," when we grow up. It is kind of like learning to tie your shoes laces. But some people have not learned patience — YET.
Patience is the habit of comfort when things don't happen at the pace you desire. Easiest way to learn patience is to spend a large amount of time in a slow situation with people who are already very patient. You can learn it by example. Ask others how they learned it. You can also take courses in Meditation, Yoga, and many east Asia disciplines. Practice it.
I still practice intentionally missing traffic lights. If the light is green, I may slow a little. If it turns yellow, I really try to stop. And then I practice enjoying the "tiny vacation" I get while the light is red.
Principle #2: Invite, instead of Push
This is pretty straight forward. Learn to never ask questions. Invite instead. It sounds like this. "I was wondering about something you did the other day. If you ever figure out what was going on for you when you did that, I'd love to hear about it. In the meantime, let's have dinner." Notice how these are all statements with no question mark at the end of them. Many people feel pushed by questions. Just being asked a question often feels like an attack. So, just don't do it. (To understand the issue of Pushing, click here.)
Principle #3: Gently Listen
Wow, is this one valuable! I suggest you show only moderate eagerness when listening, but invite them to say anything they want. Never interrupt. Never add more questions. Just listen and encourage them to say it all. Accept whatever they say. Never, never, never argue. Learn Mirroring so as to help train yourself to relax while listening to anything they say.
Hi! I have a new job since December. The colleague that sits next to me talks to me a lot and he got close to me because we really get along. He used to ask me to take breaks and during those he would speak to me and I would listen more then talk back (because he had a lot to say). He also used to write to me on chat during work time. We had a greatvtime together. I started feeling that he likes me.
Three days ago our team lead(who is single) came to the office with his 4 year old son. I was happy to see a child in the office so I tried to talk to him and played when he was bored after lunch. His father was otherwise engaged and also the child came to me. Very cute I tought, especially since my colleagues in the office wouldn’t talk much and I am a very social person.
My colleague next to me seeing this told me two times that I need a baby and the second time he said that I am “so exited to see a child” in a teasing/sarcastic way.
It felt uncomfortable to me because I am teased a lot about getting married and having children and as a woman I feel the pressure of society to have children.
So I told him he is a jerk and he asked why and I said nothing (I really didn’t know what to say at the moment) He got pissed off. He wrote an apologise message to me saing that he exaggerated with jokes and he won’t do it anymore. But he made really good jokes and I laughed all the time. Just that day I was stressed and tried so I reacted uncontrollably. To his written apology I replied that I am not upset and that I’d like to talk to him before leaving. But he didn’t want to. He worked from home the next 2 days and did not write to me at all. I wrote him that I am sorry that I upset him and that I didn’t mean to irritate him by asking him to discuss.
Now I feel so hurt. I don’t understand what I did so bad that he wouldn’t even give me the chance to make it right. I think that if he takes it so seriously it means he cares for what I say. Of course his reaction has something to do with him – his previous experiences and his way of coping.
I am wondering if there is any chance for him to forgive me, trust me again and laugh together like we used to.
Hello, there. I am extremely late to this party, but I stumbled upon this post and found it to be one of the most solid references on the web when it comes to dealing with this topic. Yes, I am in this situation and, yes, I have been googling the heck out of it.
Here’s the thing, I think that I messed up big time, and not for the first time. I have a past riddled with betrayal and trauma and this has affected my sense of security and self-esteem, but I’ve ignored it. Refused to see it?
Now, we’re not talking about overtly clingy or controlling behavior. I don’t check on him, I don’t check his phone, etc. We’re talking about me being argumentative and defensive when I don’t feel like part of his plans or when…gulp…he makes plans with friends without me. Well, he finally had enough and told me that he never wants to see me or hear from me again, after a loving, long-term relationship of over 3 years.
I have seen the light and engaged with a therapist. This has been an incredibly sobering wake up call. I recognize my issues, and I want badly to right the course. I do love him dearly. Is there any hope?
Hi Bee, Thanks for writing and sharing. Yup I certainly think there is hope – believe in it deeply. I don’t think of you are late to this here party, but right on time. The good stuff begins when somebody wakes up and usually that is when someone starts to walk away. That seems to happen over and over. It did for me in the 90’s and I woke up. Good deal. Everything I’ve written here was originally for me as I fought to get myself to learn. Kind of like note taking. Without me doing that learning I fear there was no hope. Of course I had to learn a lot and so did my partner. Took a long time. It went faster if I learned faster.
Based on what you’ve written you’ve already started pondering Clingy/Avoider stuff and maybe controlling behavior – a bit. Sandra and I struggled with both. My best guess is it will be worth your while to look into the argumentative stuff – which is the MasterTalk, Master-Slave material. We gave up arguing in around 1994 and haven’t done it since – with anyone. Arguing seems silly. Oh and also we never agree on anything — always see things differently.
Thanks for dropping by. Keep reading and learning.
Hi Al,
I have a bit of a unique situation here.
My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 months, but we’ve had feelings for each other for 30 years (both in previous long-term relationships).
She just introduced me to her daughter, and things went very well—2 weeks ago, we were the most in love we’d been.
She’s been having a lot of stressors in her life (family moving away, lack of work due to COVID) and I have a pretty serious head injury.
Anyway, last weekend she asked me for some time alone in a way she had never asked before, and I could not comprehend it. My mind Is not able to inhibit my panic response right now and I kept texting her. I said some ridiculous things that she knows are not me.
She called me crying saying she was scared and couldn’t continue with me, even though at the end of the call she said “I Love You”.
She hasn’t spoken to me in 5 days, and I’ve been respectful of her space. I sent her a quick video the other morning acknowledging my part in the fight and apologizing as it really is a day that I don’t have much memory of.
Where do I go from here? Can I get this back? She is the love of my life!
Hello Paul, and welcome to the world of working on tricky things. I believe this is a relationship fix that is doable and most probably well worth it.
One place to start is on the topic of Boundaries. Not only have you two had previous relationship to learn (and not learn) the normal skills, but you have that head injury that adds unique challenges. I’ve worked with a half dozen guys with brain damage and gosh those were exciting and different. Bottom line is you are responsible for dealing with that, dealing with “odd” consequences, and guiding your gal to comfortably deal with them and you. I’d be happy to help but need more details.
The phrase “inhibit my panic response” seems like a place to start. Almost all the awful stuff we humans do starts with a panic response and whether you are aware or can remember does not diminish your responsibility.
Other than that it sounds as if you have the normal (to me) Clinger/Avoider (Reliable Membership) stuff starting to go on and perhaps Master/Slave. Good reading and luck.
Hi Al, it’s a temporary injury. A pretty serious concussion in a string of pretty serious concussions.
I just haven’t been myself for about the last month. We’ve had our bumps in developing a relationship, but neither of us had any misgivings about me becoming involved in her daughter’s life, a decision she would not make lightly.
I feel much more lucid in the last few days, but I’m almost sure she isn’t ready to talk. How long do you recommend I give her before reaching out?
Hi Paul, I’m glad to hear your injury is not serious. Guys I’ve worked with seemed to get into wrestling motorcycles – not good.
As a general rule I use one week as a length of time to give space and even at the end of that time I recommend don’t push. Just a short message (4 sentences or less) to let her know you are there. All about planning to win the long game.
Oh Al the brain injury is temporary. I have a pretty serious concussion and my behavior has been a little erratic. In my meltdown, I did touch on some hot-button issues for her, but we had previously felt very secure about that prior to my introduction to her daughter.
I just don’t understand how she could’ve fallen out of love with me in a 48 hour period when she knows I’m not myself right now…
Well, Paul, I believe falling out of love can happen very very quickly. Remember all people make sense all the time, so what looks like “falling out of love” is not a trivial event and makes solid sense to her. Useful for you to get to know her and how she thinks and reacts and interprets your behavior. Sounds to me you reacted in some ways that startled her and frightened her Lizard. At this point she can’t ever forget that you can act that way. Tread lightly and learn.
Hi Al, good news—she reached out. She set some clear boundaries in the video, which I will respect. But it ended in a request for us to “Check back in” in a week and a tearful “I love you”.
I am playing it slow here, but it seems clear that she still loves me. If there are any details I can provide about the video that warrant analysis, I would appreciate if you let me know.
Thank you very much for your help
Glad to hear she reached out. I suggest you take this experience as the beginning of a new stage in your relationship where you learn to habitually give her space – a bit more space than she wants.
And I still suggest you learn all you can about Reliable Membership and Master/Slave.
Hi,
Would you like to release my tension for which I am perplexed as well as anxious about it. That is, she told me that I could talk to her but it would be better if I didn’t talk her frequently. Afterwards, I didn’t text her anymore. This all happened when I confessed my love for her. She told me that she hated ‘love’ and didn’t believe in ‘love’. One month has passed away, neither did I text her nor did she. Furthermore, she has deleted my number some days ago as her whatsApp dp and message status doesn’t appear to me. Kindly guide me what I should do in this complex situation. I shall be grateful to you.
Hang in there, Sheeraz, Sounds pretty scary. Good news is you can do a lot about it. I suggest you don’t stop all contact. Just radically reduce it. Maybe once a week. I wonder what the word “Love” means to her. Probably something scary. You and I can only guess, until she tells us. Slow, reliable curiosity is best.
What about the other side of this? What to do when they won’t listen? What to do when they are happy in the relationship but you are not, but they aren’t interested in hearing about it because to them everything is fine?
Really great question. I’m sorry that is your situation. Can be very painful to feel invisible.
A lot of relationships start off by not having room for two. I encourage you to speak up. I’ve written a lot about the person who chooses silence. The goal is to get sharing going both directions safely and frequently.
Maybe the question is “Would you rather I share what is going on for me, or keep it a secret?” Keep a going.
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