Making Amends
This is a very specific process that can be adapted easily. Use this process when you would like to make up for something you did, and now wish you hadn’t. Deal with your guilt list this way. Do not say, “I am sorry” even if you may feel it. Turn that feeling into something that works.
Also do not think that by Making Amends you will erase your partner’s issues. I believe that most people say, “I’m sorry!” quickly in an effort to either prevent their partner’s hurt (too late, it doesn’t work), or to prevent their partner from talking about their pain or distress. Helping them with their pain or frustration is completely independent of your Making Amends. In this process you are dealing with your side of the situation. You deal with their side by dealing with their Frustration or just by listening/mirroring and Validating.
SENDER I’d like to make an appointment to make amends for something.
RECEIVER Grant appointment soon. (Always do "hard stuff" by appointment.)
SENDER One thing I would like to make amends for is …..
(State what you did that you want to make amends for. Give no reasons nor excuses for the behavior. Their old brain will hear “I was sick, I was tired” as justifications and get distracted.)
RECEIVER Listen or mirror.
SENDER You did not deserve that from me because …..
RECEIVER Listen or mirror.
SENDER And how I imagine you may have felt is …..? Is that accurate, and/or did you have any other feelings?
RECEIVER Listen or mirror, and then share the memory of your feelings at that time.
SENDER Mirror your partner’s corrections or additions.
RECEIVER Listen or mirror.
SENDER A: How I wish I would have done this differently is …..
(This does two things: you engage your frontal lobe to create a new choice if this situation or one similar arises, and it lets your partner experience you actively, intentionally, consciously, healing them.)
B: What I think you really deserved from me was …..
RECEIVER Listen or mirror.
SENDER I am sorry that I did that and that I hurt you.
RECEIVER Listen or mirror. Validate.
Pause for 30 seconds or so. Then switch directions.
RECEIVER Tell me what your behavior, what you are making amends for, reminds you of in your childhood?
SENDER Tells childhood story about who taught you to do that or who did the same thing. “And the way I felt then was ….”
RECEIVER Listen or mirror.
(If Sender talks about self-behavior, ask about who was the adult teacher. Say more so that I can hear what it was like for you. The way you might have felt as a child was….. All you wanted was …?)
RECEIVER Then says, “Thank you for telling me all this.”
Pause for 30 seconds or so. Then switch directions.
SENDER An unconditional gift I would like to give you is …..
Offer a gift that is to your mind approximately the same size as the behavior you are making amends for.
RECEIVER Thank you. Receiving this gift will help me feel …….
SENDER Listen or mirror.
SENDER And I am ready to hear your side of this situation, when you want.
RECEIVER (Optionally shares their side, participates in a Restructuring Process, etc.)
Example of Making Amends. (Sender in red)
Note how the Making Amends process is modified and made smoother. This is just an example but has all the critical pieces.
“I would like to make an appointment to Make Amends for something.”
“OK. How about now.”
“I would like to make amends for coming home last night over an hour after I told you I would be there. You didn’t deserve that from me, because as my wife and friend you deserve the respect of knowing what is going on and of me keeping my word. I imagine that when I was late you felt angry, betrayed and upset. Did I get that?”
“Actually I felt mostly worried, but a bit pissed off, too.”
“Ok, worried and pissed off. Right?”
“Yes.”
“I wish instead I had called you, when I realized I was gonna be late. You deserved that so that you wouldn’t have been worried. Gosh, I am sorry I did that and that I hurt you.”
“Well, I can see why you want to make amends, because you were late, don’t want me to worry and think I deserve the respect of being kept up-to-date. Thanks. (Pause) By the way, what does your being late remind you of from your past.”
“Damn. It reminds me of waiting and waiting for my mother. She would pick me up from school and be late again and again. I recall one time she forgot me and I had to walk home almost three miles. When I got there all she said was, ‘Where have you been? Oh. Well, wash you hands.’ I was so hurt… Guess she me taught me to be callous and late at times.”
“Ok, so your behavior reminds you of your mom and waiting and waiting and she didn’t seem to be concerned. Hurt you a lot. Right.”
“Yep. So I would like to give you a gift and offer you a dinner on the town of your choice to make up for that. Sometime in the next couple of weeks. Just let me know. My treat. Thanks.”
“And thank you.”
"And by the way, if you would like to work on your side of this, if you are frustrated, please let me know. I am ready, or can make an appointment."
It seems as though both parties have to agree to and understand this model (when you shift direction and the receiver asks about past/childhood). Is there a way to apply this without having other person agree to it?
Great question and here are some thoughts, cuz the process really works well when only one party knows what they are doing.
The process as outlined certainly involves two people who are both at least somewhat into working together, i.e. mirroring practicing and validation practicing. But the process is meant to be a general outline of the principle needed steps. I find I use this process with everyone when I find I've slipped at something.
Let's say I made an appointment with someone, they showed up, and I didn't cuz I had forgotten that appointment. "Hey, heck. I didn't show up for your appointment (admit the thing I did, the trigger). Darn, you have a right to be pissed (Show openness to their feelings). You don't deserve me to not keep up my end of the bargain (Establish why I am putting energy into this Making Amends process and using the phrase "don't deserve". ) Here's what I'll do to make up for it (Setting up the gift/token action). I'll give you session, free (the gift). How's that? (Checking for their side of the issue.)"
Or let's say I started to do the dishes last night, wandered off and got distracted by something on my computer. "Hey, hun. I screwed up and didn't finish the dishes. You didn't deserve that. I owe you one." Her response was, "Yeah, ok, and can you go put the dogs out and be sure the door is locked (notice she was helping me with the size of the gift/token action)."
I think there are lots of ways to deal with Making Amends. Add or leave out steps as you see what is important to you both and in each situation.
Hope this helps.
Robert, thank you for your wonderful example of Master Talk.
And thank you for assigning your meaning to Al's words.
I'm not sure that what you inferred is what Al was implying with the use of the word "wish."
What a crock of crap. You need not "wish" you had acted better…. a wish means it was out of your control. Just act better in the first place.
Glad for your response and your sharing. The option you mention was not in my mind at the time I wrote this. Twas all about "learning" to do better and remembering and accepting your history that informed your behavior in the past.
Like your passion.
Sure. I've used portions of it many many times, with people who had no idea what I was doing. It just gave me structure for facing a situation where I had messed up. I think it works well. Give it a shot.
Could this process be adapted to written form, where there is no expectation of response from the receiver? I ask because it's too late to work on my marriage, but I think it would help me to make amends to STBXH. He is not aware of the shifts I have made in understanding his POV because we have never had relationship talks since the separation.
Thanks for sharing your work with us.
flowmom