Welcome, welcome, welcome!
By Al Turtle © 2007
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If you have arrived here interested in getting a wonderful partnership, or interested in how to do better, or interested in saving your marriage or that of friends, parents or children, or just interested in specifics of how peaceful partnerships work, you have arrived at a right place. Take heart! It ain’t rocket science!
I am a Marriage Therapist and a successful husband with a successful wife. I really think Sandra and I have learned our way into success as partners as well as to being each other’s best friend. It wasn’t easy. Some years ago we celebrated our 22nd anniversary on June 29th, 2006. On that day, I asked her would she marry me again. Her response, “The way you are now, sure!” Now, in 2012, it’s 28 years.
If I had to do it again, I too would definitely choose the same person. With what I know now, the process would be much faster and easier. I often say that at this point Sandra and I are working maybe 10% as hard and are getting 50 times more out of our togetherness. Hey, folks, it is all about learning to act smarter! I believe anyone can do it.
The purpose of this site is to make available the specific tools and supporting information that I/we have learned over years about how to really get along, and how make a great partnership/marriage. It is all about what you need in order to get from young, Romantic Love to mature, durable, Vintage Love. I want to make the process faster and easier for you, beginning at wherever you are. Speaking of “wherever you are,” a really good place to start is with a Map – by reading or listening to my Map of Relationships. So far as I know, the only place to get this “Map” is right here on this website
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While I will post many colorful pictures for the fun of it (and a picture I took in Istanbul of a piece of art is the most popular download on my site – go figure!), the really useful material is under the directory entitled Relationships. Here you will find topics (organized in more directories) full of essays, charts, skills, suggestions, and stories. I use these with couples and singles who come to see me – and I have seen several thousand over the past 15 years.
I often tell people that “if you live on a desert island, you need a whole bunch of skills – fishing, hook sharpening, fire making, cooking, utensil making and repair, bed making, hut making, etc. Think of these skills as all tools that take up two drawers in your life’s tool box. If you can live alone easily, you probably have a good set of tools in those toobox drawers. But when someone swims ashore and joins you, there are new set of tools you need – relating tools. This top drawer in your toolbox, the one with these relating tools, is the one I am a specialist at.” These are the tools I offer here. And remember, it ain’t rocket science.
In the directory of Relationships there are five folders for the five pillars at the core of all Romances and of long-term getting along – what I call The Biological Dream. Each folder has its own collection of articles or charts. These are the foundations of peacefully being together. I am not kidding. I’ve found these are simply “dead center” critical. If you are having trouble in your relationship with your partner, your boss, your friends, your family, your children, believe me you are probably stuck without one or more tools and are ready to learn the appropriate sets of skills. Please don’t blame yourself or them – get to work learning. I love to say that “You are either going to have a nice day, or you are going to learn something.” Looking back, the great wisdoms that came to me all began in some awful situation. So get on to the learning.
In addition to the five pillars, there are three abolutely necessary special skills and learnings: communication, boundaries, and what I call the “plumber’s version of emotions.” I believe everyone needs to learn this stuff if you “don’t want to live alone on that desert island.” So that is eight things you need – five pillars and three special skills.
Finally there is one special folder/topic, Healing, that is a must for married, or living-like-married, people. Remember the idea that “you can get along with everyone at work easily, but that person at home drives you crazy?” Well, I believe that Romantic Love sets up a unique situation and creates a very special kind of relationship, fraught with delight and a lot of specific solvable (often seemingly unsolvable) troubles. I first heard about this from Harville Hendrix, and it is the center of Imago Relationship Therapy. I didn’t believe it for quite a while, until I had enough evidence. Tis right!
When clients come to me as a marriage teacher, coach, tutor, they ask “What do I do?” and “Why should I do that?” I have found that most books on the market and most workshops on relationships are either too vague and do not explain what to do specifically, or they are too specific and without explaining “why.” Some books and trainings are, I believe, flat wrong. They teach things that do not work. I was asked by a casual acquaintance, “What book do you suggest to clients?” I have many, but I have seen no book or workshop that shares the whole set of problems in achieving a successful intimate relationships. (The closest thing that I know of is the Getting the Love You Want Couple’s Workshop, and the best of these that I know of is offered by Hedy Schleifer.)
An interesting side task for me has been participating in a project to take the wisdom learned from bringing durable peace to couples and extending this to groups of people. This is called the Imago Peace Project, where they learn and teach Communologue. You can find my papers on this material in the folder called Peace Making.
Thoughts on Copyrighting
Read, enjoy, learn, practice, and copy anything you want. You will notice that I put a copyright mark on most pages. This does not mean you should not download and copy what you want. This means I am the author, and if someone has a question about the material or the ideas, they can get back to me. When you copy stuff, please include that copyright. I see this a bit like the movie, Pay It Forward. All I ask from you in return is “future goodwill.”
There are so many roads that you may have come down to arrive at my site. I’d be happy to point out a direction for you on a page called Directions to Go. You also might try my paper on Where do you Start? If you want to be methodical, I suggest you start with studying the Map of Relationships. The Map gives the overall view to the whole set of challenges facing all of us. It also points toward the concept of a “University of Life”, a college-like series of courses.
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Send me your comments and questions and I’ll be happy to reply or post my answers as I have time. You can post your comments anonymously, but I would prefer you leave an email address so that I can get back to you. Thanks for visiting. Al
I'm sorry, what do you mean by looking for the lesson for you in being drawn to critical men? I don't understand what you mean. I know why I am drawn to them, but how do I change it?
Great question and it is often asked by people who have discovered “what is going on in relationships.” There are two answers, for me.
I believe you will “fall in love” with a) a person who “seems to be leading you in the direction of Vintage Love,” and b) someone who comforts your unconscious by being familiar. I gather that the more they seem to be “Mr./Ms. Right i.e. the more familiar they are, the more heavily you will fall in love. By learning your lessons, the lessons you would have learned if you had been raised by people who acted congruent with the Biological Dream, the more you will tend to “trade up” and marry less problematical people. However, whoever you fall in love with will have the capacity to put you in contact with the lessons you haven't yet learned! So there is always work ahead right after the Romantic Period wears off.
Only way to skip all of this that I know is to let someone else select your partner, someone you won't fall in love with for many years.
A friend of mine from Africa told me a story. He said, 'You Americans are crazy. You start your relationships on the top of the hill, in feelings of glory, with your heads in the clouds. What direction is ahead of you? Downhill. In our village my parents met in an arranged marriage at the bottom of a valley. What direction could they go? Up. It took them many, many years to “fall in love,” but they did and it was reliable.'
So, Ver44, how about looking for the lesson for you in your attraction to strong. dominant and critical men. It's a starting place.
Good luck.
Hi, I really like your website but I'm wondering how you can avoid choosing the wrong person in the first place. I'm drawn to the wrong kind of man — usually very powerful & dominant but critical men because my father was very critical when I was young. How can you change what you're attracted to?
Yup. Sounds like you are on the right track. Clinging is very hard to give up, I found, and especially when my partner is near. When you can tame that need to push/talk/interrogate etc. at the time your partner is seeming to be available, then you've learned enough on that subject. That's a high level of skill and you have to find patience as you build that up.
At this point sounds as if you are simply working with his lack of trust – confidence in your skills. So read the Lizard paper and get on with your work. Replace clinging with caring behaviors and helping him manage his needs for space.
I think of “blame” as ok when and only when you are working on assigning responsibility. It's fine for my wife to “blame” my for my part of the problem. It's also fine when I reflect back to her her part of the problem. Best model is that everything is 50%/50&. I think it is never 100%. But it is also never 0%. I am always partially responsible and can always do something. Also I can do something stupid, but what is my partner's rational response when I am stupid? What can she do that will help pull me out of my stupidity?
Keep going. Sounds to me as if the way you are going is the right way.
Good luck. Thanks sharing.
I have received a lot of comfort from your website. I have also learned a lot about communication. I am the clinger and I love to talk! But, talking is not communicating. That is something I have not learned how to do very well and it has caused me problems in my intimate relationships. I took an imago therapy course years ago in my first marriage, but never got to use it because my husband decided to leave the marriage. He did try to come back years later, but it was too late by then. In my present relationship, my partner says he is done and wants out. We are still living together because I need to find a place to move to. I am trying to practice not pushing and giving him space. It's hard to do when you still live together. I have said very little and he still says I talk too much. He blames me for everything and does not take any responsibility for the break up. To me, it really doesn't matter whose right and whose wrong. I just want us to stay together and start fresh. He doesn't want to. I am going to counseling, not pushing, and trying to take care of myself. I think he still sees this a manipulation. I wrote a letter of apology. He says it's just another way of talking. I feel like I'm being stonewalled and should just give up. Any suggestions? Right now, I'm just trying not to be dramatic or overly emotional thereby adding more fuel to the fire. Reading your website helps me with all of this. Thanks again Al for your insight.
Janine Land
janine_land@yahoo.com